WELCOME TO THE SPECTRUM

Hermit Crab Festival

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 23:20:00 +0000

Welcome to the Second Annual Hermit Crab Festival.

Opening ceremonies are underway - stay tuned...

My new career

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 14:22:00 +0000

We cut down a dead tree this weekend.

I think I've found a new career as a woodsman!

Back to reality

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:08:00 +0000

I have spent the past week at “summer camp for scientists” - at one of the many week-long small scientific meetings that are held every year for a group of like-minded scientists to get together and talk about their research. About 7 years ago, I moved into a different area of research and have made some important contributions to that area. That line of investigation has led me to another area of research in order to understand a larger question in cell biology that is of profound importance for human health and disease. So the major focus of the meeting that I was at was in that other area of research - which is a well-established field that was defined by a hypothesis put forth by a visionary scientist in the 1950’s. This particular area of research is still filling in the details of that 50+ year old hypothesis, which has generally proved correct. For those who know a little bit about science (or would like to google the details), this hypothesis is all about how our cells turn the food that we eat into energy-rich molecules that enable us to perform all those activities that make us alive.

I left very early on Sunday morning. Sent my wife an email that morning. Called when I got to my destination airport and talked to my son briefly and said that I would call him went I got to the meeting. Turns out that I was not able to get a cell phone connection because only one cell phone company services that area. I sent my wife an email on Monday explaining the situation. Didn’t hear back from her. Sent my son an email on Wednesday and got an email back from him late last night, to which I replied this morning.

Meanwhile, checking my phone messages from him, I found that I had three phone messages from him on Monday and Tuesday, with him quite distressed and unhappy. My wife was angry and unhappy - probably at me for being gone and for any number of other things that are wrong with her life - starting with the fact that she has never liked living in the state where we live. His email on Thursday night was more upbeat - talking about how the baseball game that he had on Monday went - a single, a double and two walks, with his team winning by quite a big score. He has another game tonight, which I will miss.

His phone calls are hard for me to take. It is clear that his life is much easier when I am there - for a number of reasons. But a frequent strand of thought running through the back of my head while I was at this meeting was that my life just isn’t working. This was prompted by talking to (mostly listening) to stories of my colleagues - who are successful, with happy, well-adjusted kids, working at institutions that appreciate what they are doing. It is all too easy for me to beginning sinking into the slough of despair. But now, on the way back home, I am not taking that path. I am successful at my vocation, my son is great and our relationship is getting stronger as he gets older. Financially, we are doing ok - not great, but only two years or so from being completely debt and mortgage free. Yes, the relationship with my wife is not working. But quite a few other things are. And I need to keep giving my attention and effort to those things that matter.

May Flowers

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Thu, 28 May 2009 00:42:00 +0000

Just a collage of flowers from my garden that I cut while my son was cavorting in the pool.

It has been raining a lot over the past month. So much so that several baseball games have been cancelled or postponed till later in June - just in time for the heat and humidity of summer. But my garden is soaking it up. Irises are just about done, as are the peonies. The roses should continue all summer. Daylillies are just about ready to open, along with my favorite - the tiger lily (Lilium columbianum).

Academic honors

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Wed, 27 May 2009 14:24:00 +0000

My son is graduating from 5th grade next week. Off to the big adventure that is middle school. Personally, I prefer the old-fashioned way of schooling, in which elementary school went through 6th grade. But life does move a little faster now than it did forty years ago, and the need-for-speed culture impacts all aspects of our lives.

He will be recognized as the most-improved kid in his class. He has come a long way, thanks to a great teacher, specialized instruction as needed and two parents who have realized that three heads are better than one when it comes to keeping track of (and doing) homework assignments.

As spring turns into summer

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Mon, 25 May 2009 13:35:00 +0000

It is a quiet rainy morning. My son is still sleeping soundly and the dogs and cats are napping in their respective corners. Even the puppy is quiet. Yes, yet another four-legged critter has joined our collection. A black lab puppy that my wife and son found sitting on the side of the road on their drive home several weeks ago. Subsequent events have followed a predictable sequence: my wife saying “don’t worry, we’ll find a home for the puppy” and my son saying “I’ll get up every morning and take him for a walk”. My wife has made no efforts at finding a home for the puppy and I find myself constantly untangling four leashes during their morning constitutional. He is a good puppy, particularly when he is sleeping. But I am not happy with the added cost in terms of time, effort and money.

My son and I have this week to ourselves, as my wife is spending a week looking after her mom, who needs looking after while my wife’s middle sister and her partner/wife are on vacation. So far so good. He spent most of Saturday and Sunday hanging out with a new friend. My son has long bemoaned the fact that we don’t live in a typical city neighborhood with lots of other kids. But his new friend spends alternate weekends (and alternate weeks during the summer) at his dad’s house just up the road from us. It appears that his friend, who is a year older and quite mature for a sixth grader, has many of the same interests as my son. It promises to be an interesting summer.

I took advantage of the free time on Saturday to make headway on several long-delayed gardening tasks, with some success. On Sunday, I took them to the local air show and had a pleasant cookout at their house. Baseball practice was on today’s schedule, but the rain has scratched that. Instead, he’ll catch up on his sleep, play several hours of Wii, watch some baseball and maybe go with me on a trail bike ride if the rain lets up later today. I’ll get more gardening in, do some housework and make some headway at cleaning out the clutter on my desktop that has accumulated from the past few weeks. It has been a very busy semester, and summer promises more of the same. So I welcome this brief opportunity to catch my breath as spring turns into summer.

Time for a little change

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Sun, 24 May 2009 00:28:00 +0000

So? Whadda think?

I had a little fun making an avatar today and decided to put it on my blog instead of my mug shot. Having my picture on the blog did make me think twice about revealing particular aspects of my life. Now maybe, just maybe, the thoughts will flow more easily.

Don't hold your breath...

Anger management

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Tue, 19 May 2009 12:37:00 +0000

I have come to realize over the past month that I have anger issues. Buried deep beneath the mild-mannered academic visage I put for public consumption.

But spending a couple of hours yesterday with my hands in the dirt helps.

Spring is in the air

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 14:40:00 +0000

While walking the dogs yesterday morning, I was struck by the beauty of spring. Visual, aural, tactile. The redbuds glowing on the edge of the forest, with just the hint of green leaf shoots for competition. The quiet countryside, except for the occasional birdsong. The shining sun against a blue sky, with a gentle cool breeze ruffling the tall grass. The kind of beauty I want to capture in an elixir that can be taken by the cupful during cold, dark and dreary Decembers.

A salute to Garrison Keillor

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 00:06:00 +0000

Time to blog, anais says. And she's right.

It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon....there, that's my salute to Garrison Keillor. One of my small pleasures in life is listening to this show on a quiet Saturday late afternoon. But, in a household where my wife and my son constantly bicker for control of the TV remote control, Garrison doesn't stand much of a chance. Unless they are both out of town and I am home alone.

So it has been a quiet week. My wife and son are visiting the left coast, the TV has been off - except for brief periods of March Madness. Which I much prefer to re-runs of "I love Lucy". I have had enough of Lucy and her games. And the undergraduates have disappeared to the southern playgrounds.

I've been able to catch up on some work that had been piling up. And make some headway on a proposal for what is likely to be a fierce competition for my lab's share of the stimulus money.

Tonight is my last night of quiet time. Just in time for the next round of March Madness. Enjoy the games - I will!

Bones to pick? I can't remember what they were!

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 12:32:00 +0000

It has been two weeks since I last posted. At the time, I was in the midst of a snowstorm barreling up the east coast. Today, in the center of the country, spring is in full bloom. Change is in the air.

My son’s interests have shifted with the change in seasons. Hockey is out, baseball is in. The first practice was last weekend, with another scheduled for today. This is a new team that is playing in a “competitive” league. The level of intensity will be up from last year, with longer practices. Unlike the past two years, I won’t be involved as a coach with his team, as there are already three assistant coaches who are helping the head coach with this team. So I’ll have a couple of hours of free time during his practices.

On another topic: You may recall that, back in January, I approached my wife about the absence of sexual interactions in our relationship. The ensuing conversation covered some important topics, but none of them were discussed in any depth. A couple of weeks later, I suggested a time for us to get, as I called it, “reacquainted”. Her immediate response was “I’ve got some bones to pick with you”, although she would not tell me what those issues were. A couple of days later, I asked her to at least tell me what those “bones” were. She was not willing to at the moment, but said she would let me know what they were when we had time for a private conversation.

So, yesterday, I had a time-consuming errand to run and asked her to lunch after I was done. We had a pleasant lunch, talking about class that she is teaching at a small local college and about our son. Near the end of the lunch, I reminded her that she had some “bones” to pick with me and asked her what they were. Her response? “I can’t remember”. She said that she is feeling pretty happy with me, because I’ve been returning her phone calls and, apparently, paying attention to her. From my perspective, I haven’t been doing anything differently than what I have always been doing. Give me some time, she said, and I’ll remember what the issues were. Whatever - take as much time as you need. Obviously the issues she had were not substantive. On the other hand, the issues that I have remain unresolved.

In thinking about our interactions, I feel like we are playing a slow and easy game of volleyball. I’ll loft a ball over the net into her half-court. Eventually, she hits it back. Is it time to play a different game? Baseball, perhaps. I’m a pretty good hitter and fielder and can throw a mean fastball, though my control is a bit iffy.

A spot of therapy in the midst of a snowstorm

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 01:30:00 +0000

OK - so the snowstorm has moved on. Leaving several inches on the ground and some very chilly weather behind. I am on the Right Coast tonight, doing my scientific civic duty. And enjoying a little break from my daily routine.

I picked up Martha Beck's book titled "Finding your own North Star" while passing through the airport yesterday. Like most books of its genre, it does not say much that is new or profound. But it has some useful insights and exercises. Like the exercise called "Alternate voices". This exercise consists of ten statements for which the reader is supposed to name the people who tell you "no" and who tell you "yes".

I have a problem doing exercises like this is. I don't answer right away. I overthink my answer. But tonight, the answers to several questions came out in a very spontaneous and (presumably) truthful manner. Maybe it was the second glass of wine.

Question #4. I deserve a life of joy and fulfillment.
"NO": My dad.
"YES": P - my best friend from kindergarten.

Question #6. I can be wildly successful at my career.
"NO": My wife.
"YES": An aunt who was my surrogate mom during my college years.

Question #7. I have an amazingly capable brain.
"NO": My wife.
"YES": P; D - my graduate school advisor; several colleagues at the university.

Question #8. I'm perfectly lovable as I am.
"NO": My wife.
"YES": Mrs. H - the mother of my best friend in college.

Why do I allow my wife to occupy so much negative real estate inside of my head?

Phone message (mis)etiquette

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:39:00 +0000

My wife and I had a minor issue today with respect to my lack of response to a phone message from her. This particular incident is a minor one, but is illustrative of our larger communication issues.

First, some background. It was a choir morning today. Which meant that I started waking my son up at 6:30 so that we could leave by 7:30. I started to wake him up, then took the dogs outside for a pee break, then came back in - fed him, fed the cats and cleaned up the kitchen, got his snack and water ready, got him dressed, out the door and drove him to school. He was a little bit cranky because he is always cold and cranky in the morning. We left on time and he got to school on time in a good mood.

I came back home, took the dogs for a walk, shaved my face, made sure that the kitchen was cleaned up and then left for the university. My wife was still sleeping when I left.

I got to my office a bit after 9 and left at 10 to return some graded exams and spent 90 minutes talking to a colleague. Came back to my building in time for a noon meeting. Stopped in my office and there was a message from my wife - nice, pleasant, “just hoped things went ok this morning, love you, bye”. She was on her cell phone, so I inferred that she was on her way to a meeting. I didn’t return it because I didn’t think that a return call was either wanted or needed. And I had a meeting at noon, which I had to zoom out of early because I had gotten a surprise email about Challenge Club lunch at my son's school (meaning that the parents can join their child for lunch in recognition of having turned in all the homework for the month). And there was the usual bucket full of emails to respond to.

Came back from my son's school, had a meeting at 3:00, then went back to my office. She had called again and left a message about a “check engine” light going on in her car. And there was a second garbled message from my son. I called home - to be sure that they got home ok - which they had. My son answered and explained his message - which was for me to pick up a particular type of notebook for him on the way home. So I did. It only took an extra five minutes. And I got home well before my wife had to leave for her class.

The first thing she said to me when I got home, in a sarcastic tone of voice, was “I’m glad that you were able to do that [pick up the notebook] even though you were not able to return my phone call”. OK - here she goes - pushing at my buttons again. I explained to her that the reason I called home was to return her second message. That wasn’t good enough. She had expected a return phone call from me in response to her first message. And she went on to say that she felt foolish about leaving her phone on during the day because she was expecting a return call.

Analysis: She did make an effort to reach out to me. Which was not reciprocated, because I did not return her phone call. And now she feels rejected because I didn’t respond. And she is hurt, disappointed and even angry (because I could do something for my son but not for her). From her point of view, it does not matter why I did not respond to her first phone message, only that I did not. In my defense, there was not a clear request to return her call, there was no sense on my part that this was an important phone call and I was quite busy today.

What I should do is renew my efforts to be sensitive to her approaches for communication and interaction. And respond in kind, with my own attempts to initiate communication and interactions.

At the moment, I don’t see any reason why I should. I don’t see where such attempts will lead. I feel that we have been stuck in a negative feedback cycle for a long time, in which any failure to reciprocate is perceived as a indifference or, even worse, purposeful rejection, regardless of the circumstances. For my part, I am focusing on being objective and observing our interactions without imputing any particular motivation to her actions.

I have little confidence that any effort on my part will get us out of the current negative spiral and into a positive feedback cycle.

Gottman talks about this in the context of “attribution”. How couples in love with each other will excuse or overlook mistakes and errors made by their significant other. In contrast, when a couple is on the proverbial thin ice, there is a tendency for negative attribution - to attribute negative intent to neutral, or even positive, acts. In the vernacular, this is sometimes referred to as “giving someone the benefit of the doubt”. For my part, I try very hard to give everyone that I deal with “the benefit of the doubt”. To be frank, it has been a very long time since I felt that I was given the benefit of the doubt by her.

Hockey season is almost over. Time to put those skates away? Or should I venture out on the ice again?

Trust (or, rather, lack thereof)

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 16:20:00 +0000

My wife and I have issues beyond the lack of sex. I suspect that a marital therapist would say that these other issues are the more important ones. And they are most likely right.

One is TRUST.

This issue came up yesterday. My son and I took our new addition to the vet for an appointment with Dr. T to determine if he was healthy enough to be neutered, which involves anesthesia. One concern of ours was a slight elevation in liver enzymes that had been noted when we first brought him in. As he was a stray with no history when we brought him in, this had been attributed to an infectious microorganism, of which there are many that a dog might encounter when wandering through the woods. At the time, he was put on an antibiotic and is nearly finished with the course of treatment.

We have been going to the same husband and wife vet team for almost 20 years and trust them explicitly with the health of our cohabitating critters.

I talked with Dr. T about his health. She asked about his urination habits and bowel movements. He had not lost or gained any weight in the past three weeks and has been very active and alert in his appearance. She said that her main concern for surgery and anesthesia was his heart - so she listened carefully to his heart. The dog also has a lump on one leg and we decided that the lump would also be removed when he was under anesthesia for the neutering procedure. We talked about doing more extensive tests to assess his health, but decided together that it was not worth it. After the examination and conversation, Dr. T was satisfied that the dog is healthy and capable of surviving an anesthetic/surgical procedure with no anticipated difficulties. We scheduled it about ten days off, at least a week after the end of the antibiotic treatment he is on now.

When we got home, my wife asked what Dr. T said. I started to relate what Dr. T did and what we talked about, when she interrupted me and asked about the blood work. But there was no blood work done, as Dr. T didn’t think it was necessary. I said that Dr. T’s main concern was his heart - that she listened carefully to his heart and reached the conclusion that he was good to go for surgery.

That did not satisfy her. She asked me why I didn’t insist on having blood work done. I said because Dr. T didn’t think that it was needed. That she made the assessment as to suitability for surgery based on listening to his heart. Again, she wanted to know why I didn’t insist on having it done. At one point, she said that she didn’t care about what Dr. T said, but that she wanted to know what I was thinking, why didn’t I insist on having the liver function examined. Recognizing that one of my buttons was being pushed, I calmly said that this was not about what I was thinking, but about Dr. T determining if our dog is ok for surgery. And if she had any questions, then she should call Dr. T herself.

So she called the office, left a message and talked to Dr. T a couple of hours later. The gist of the conversation between my wife and Dr. T was essentially the same as between Dr. T and myself. That the main concern was heart function. That the elevated liver enzymes were not a concern and that the antibiotic treatment was addressing that anyway. That we talked about doing more tests, but concluded that additional tests were not likely to be of value at this time. That conversation apparently addressed my wife’s concerns.

So why do I believe this is lack of TRUST? Rather than assuming that I was capable of working with the vet to make the decision about surgery, and instead of listening to what I said about Dr. T’s major concern and how that was addressed, my wife turned the conversation around to an examination of why I did not push the issue of bloodwork to check for liver problems. As her subsequent conversation with Dr. T showed, the issue was heart function, not liver function.

This is typical of many of our interactions. Rather than believe that I carried out some responsibility with all due care and thought, rather than listening to what I say and considering it, she quickly challenges my account of the situation. Rather than get drawn into a heated discussion of "why didn't you" recriminations, the best recourse I have found is to invite her to gather the information for herself. Invariably, hearing the same information from another person will mollify her. And life goes on.

I have reached the point where I don't care.

Three interdependent variables

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 12:57:00 +0000

Scientists like to find relationships between key entities that encapsulate the true essence of a subject area. Like Einstein’s equation that explains the relationship between energy and mass. Like the Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle that explains why it is impossible to measure, with absolute precision, both the position and momentum of a particle. Like Darwin’s idea that selection of variant organisms within a population gives rise to the bewildering diversity of all life forms, past and present. Like the notion that phenotype is determined by complex interactions between its genotype and its environment.

So here is a proposal. That there are three aspects of life that we have control over. Time, energy, and money. We can not control how other people act. We can not control the weather or other natural events. But we can control how we utilize our time, our energy, and our money.

Time is a straightforward concept. We only have 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. Everybody has the same amount of time. How we choose to use our time will have a major impact on our life story.

Energy, broadly speaking, is our health - physical, mental and spiritual. Everyone has some level of energy, although there are significant variations among people in both the specific types of energy and in their total energy level. Even so, we choose to utilize our energy in different ways and our choices will have a major impact on our life story.

Money is a more diffuse concept. In a fundamental sense, money represents physical possessions - whether it is a zucchini that we have grown in our garden, a McMansion that we call home or the size of our bank account. How we choose to use our money is a major component of our life story.

These variables are interdependent. We can spend our time and energy to increase our financial resources. We can use our financial resources to increase the amount of free time or to increase our energy.

The story of our life is built, bit by bit, through each and every choice that we make in terms of how we use our time, energy and money. We can choose to spend our time and/or energy and/or money meeting our own needs and desires. We can expend our resources in the service of others, using our time, energy and money to meet their needs. Depending on the choices we make, our life story will be quite different.

Daily question for self - are the choices that I make consistent with how I want the story of my life to read?

Adding another one to the zoo

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:30:00 +0000

My wife and I have had dogs as part of our household since before we were married. As graduate students, we were charter members of DINKWADS (Double Income, No Kids, With A (couple of) DogS. Although, as graduate students, our double income was just above the poverty line.

Over the years, we have had a number of dogs share our lives. Nine have lived their life to the fullest and two are still with us. All have been either adopted from the shelter or strays that showed up at our house. Obviously the IQ of their previous owners were all below 50, as their previous owners were not capable of reading the “found dog” ad we would always place in the newspaper and in mailboxes. A number of other dogs have showed up at our house and have been successfully returned to their owners. In at least one instance, sans testicles! Our current dogs are no exception: One was found by my wife just laying in the middle of the road and the other showed up at our house as a young puppy, lost, hungry and very tired.

Just before Christmas, an Australian cattle dog showed up at our house. A great dog, a real working dog - the kind of dog that is only happy when given a job to do. Not the sit around the house kind of dog. No one claimed him from our "found" ad. A friend of ours has a hobby of training cattle and sheep herding dogs and knew of a farm that was looking to train and use a cattle herding dog. Perfect job for him - and he is now very happy with his life.

About two weeks ago, a border collie mixed breed joined our two dogs and me on our morning walk. So he ended up staying at our house for about a week, including a couple of trips to the vet. Turns out that he is ten years old, going blind with cataracts and may have a potentially life-threatening liver infection. But being blind has not stopped him from chasing our seven cats around the house (and he has the scratches across his nose to prove it!).

Of course, we put a found dog ad in the paper. Turns out that he was owned by one of the locals, an older man, in his 70’s, who lives in a little gathering of houses about a mile down the road from us. Up until several years ago, they had a chicken coop and he was the guard dog for the coop. But no more chickens. All he did, all day, every day, was sit outside tied up on a lead. No attention from anyone. And, of course, he has not been neutered.

So when he came to pick him up, my wife volunteered to take him back if there were any problems. A couple of days later, he called and said that the dog was unhappy and constantly whining and asked if we would be willing to take him back. My wife and I talked about it off and on (to say that we spent more time on this subject than on the absence of sex between us would not be an exaggeration). I was not in favor of this, as I am increasingly feeling the cost, in time and money, that comes with being a responsible pet owner. Finally she said “Can’t we give Bucky a few years of a good life?” OK. I am a soft touch. So last night, my son and I went to pick him up tonight. The old man (and his mom, who lives with him) was glad to see the dog go - one less burden in their lives. And one more in ours.

And here is my daily rant - why do people have dogs (or other pets) that they don’t or can't take care of? And why don't they spay/neuter the pets that they do have? Grrrr!

Crossroads

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 00:26:00 +0000

I feel that I am approaching a crossroad or a fork in the road. A choice between two or three options. I am not there, yet. But, like deciding which lane to be in on a highway as a series of exits are approaching, the time at which any decision will be irrevocable is approaching.

This past Sunday, after getting nowhere with an attempt on my part to resume the “bones to pick” conversation, she mentioned the possibility of an out-on-the-town event to go to on March 20. Adults only. And then Monday, after forgetting her workout clothes at home, she called me about getting a cup of coffee together before she went to pick up our son from school. Both of these situations smack of an attempt on her part to “do things” together. Yesterday, over coffee, we talked about her class and about the possibility of her developing a more substantial teaching career - first doing more single classes and then maybe even a part-time faculty appointment. We also talked about university stuff in general terms and about my teaching responsibilities. The conversations were ok, even good, but pretty much on the surface.

Is this the life that I want to lead?

By this life - I mean: Leave my office at an early hour to get home so she can go off to teach her class; walk the dogs, then play with or do homework with my son and a do a bit of email catchup or waste time with internet browsing; warm up dinner/make dinner/eat/clean up; do a bit more of email or internet browsing; head our son off to bed and go to bed myself; get up, drink coffee, have some quiet moments and then get my son up, walk the dogs and head off to his school and the university.

The weekend routine is different, but still routine: On the weekends: Spend Saturday home with my son - play with him, clean house, do loads of laundry, maybe do a little work (writing or reading or email catchup) as he plays or watches TV. My wife is out for most of Saturday with a class or two, gym and grocery shopping. On Sunday, I do more housecleaning, dog trail walk, play with my son, while she talks to her mom and sisters on the phone and does a little bit of cleaning and/or cooking. On the weekends, I do some of the meal preparations and all of the clean up.

What do I get out of this life? Mostly positive interactions with my son and the satisfaction of watching him grow up.

What is missing? A sense that my time is my own. Time to spend on things that I want to do. And, not the least, the sense of a strong connection with my wife, on the emotional level, on a conversational level, as well as complete absence of a sexual/physical connection.

Good news from earlier this week: my son did very well on his District Reading Assessment proficiency test - best in his class, he said. He is a good reader, when he settles down to read. And he is smart in his ability to figure out what is going on, when he is able to focus, is not frustrated and doesn’t feel like he wants to be doing something else that is running through his brain. And he has done well with focusing in his homework lately - which is typically done after I get home and my wife leaves for her class. Great job with simple division and with spelling. And I like the creative way that he is making up websites. He has a strong creative expressive streak that needs to be nurtured and developed.

The cross roads that are approaching: The choices of what lane to be in:

Lane 1: Muddle through this life - staying married, doing the best I can to keep it all together - home, house, finances, my son, work. Continue the asexual/dysfunctional relationship with my wife. Get my son off to college and then reconsider my options at the age of 58.

Lane 2: Give myself three years to become financially able to move out. Be highly focused on debt reduction, reducing expenditures. And on your science and physical fitness. Do not push for any substantive changes in the relationship with my wife. Then move out and establish my own life.

Lane 3: Decide that I can not live in a relationship without sexual/physical intimacy. Move out in six months to my own apartment. Focus on my work, physical fitness, finances, damage repair to my relationship with my son, and building my own life.

Yeah, I know - sounds like I am going in circles instead of making forward progress. Such is life.

Getting reacquainted?

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 12:24:00 +0000

Yesterday evening before dinner, while having a pleasant conversation with my wife about the itinerary of a short trip that I am going on next week, I mentioned that I would have a couple of hours between taking my son to school and the time that I had to leave for the airport. I walked over to her, put my arm around her shoulder and said that I would like to spend that time getting reacquainted with her.

Her response was “I’ve got a few bones to pick with you”. She said that she has issues with the way that I am, with the way that I act. And went into a little spiel about how she knows that it is not possible to change the way other people are. My response was “Pick away - let's talk about our issues.” But she declined to continue the conversation. It would seem that she has some things to say, when we have privacy and time. So do I. I am looking forward to the next Conversation.

Stay tuned.

Keeping track: NYR #2

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 11:58:00 +0000

Part of New Year's Resolution #2 was to have three gym workouts per week. In January, I had one week when I didn't make it to the gym, two weeks that I went three times each week and one week that I only made it there once.

February is starting out better, with two good workouts on successive days. I am particularly happy with yesterday's workout, when I ran 4 miles in just under 30 minutes on the treadmill. The first three miles were in 21 minutes, after which I stopped to check my heart rate, walked for a minute to recover and then went back up to speed.

My legs are sore today, particularly my front thighs and calves. But, if there is any relationship between treadmill time and road running time, I am getting close to a 5K time of under 21 minutes.

What will happen to me?

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 12:56:00 +0000

First, some background. My son is adopted. Although it was a closed adoption, we know a few things about his birth family - age, racial background and that his birth mom has a daughter (not by his birth father) who is about two years older than he is. As he has gotten older, we have answered his questions about his birth origin with honesty and love. He appears to be well-adjusted to the fact that he is adopted, with both an immediate family and extended family who love him deeply. Knowing that he has a birth mom and dad has not been a factor in any behavioral situation. Until now.

One day last week, he stayed home for a “snow” day. Not because his school was closed - the inch of snow that we had gotten overnight was not enough to close the schools, but because he had been really hoping for a snow day. His mom had canceled her class in anticipation of more snow and was planning on being home all day. So we were willing to let him stay home, with the proviso that he finish all of his weekly homework.

I asked him about his homework when I got home. He and I quickly got into a verbal tussle. He didn’t want his attention to be taken from the TV show that he was watching. My wife said that he was fine until I got home. I commented to her that, in general, his behavior is pretty good with just one of us, but that he tends to become difficult when both of us are home. So she said to him "Do you want mom and dad split up? Would you behave better?” His behavior became more reasonable, we ate dinner and made our way to hockey practice.

It was a short hockey practice for him. I had tied his skates too tight and the skin on his ankle bone was sore because it was rubbing against his skate. So he came off the ice, changed clothes and we went home. On the way home, he started talking about seeking out his birth family and about going to live with them. I didn’t understand where this was coming from until he referred back to the comment from my wife earlier in the evening, asking the question “What will happen to me?” He was very upset, crying, yelling, pushing away any attempt by me to comfort him during the 30-minute drive home. After getting home, he finally calmed down, with a great deal of reassurance from both of us, including my wife saying that the "split up" comment was a joke. The last thing he said before going to sleep, with a smile on his face, as that he was going to write a letter to his birth mom.

The next day was back to school and into the routine. Neither the quest to find his birth family nor his fear about his home being split up have surfaced.

To me, this was a stark reminder of how much pain he would experience if (when) my wife and I were to separate and divorce. Yes, I know that kids are resilient. And that what matters is how the divorce is handled and the subsequent involvement of both parents in the lives of their children. But I don’t think that he is ready. And I am not sure that I am, either.

What women (and men) want

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 12:55:00 +0000

Just read this article in NY Times magazine that was published January 22, 2009. The article is written by Daniel Bergner and summarizes his interviews with three leading female scientists on the nature of female sexuality.

The three scientists that Bergner interviewed approach the question from different points of view, using different experimental tools. The first interviewee, Meredith Chivers, takes a quantitative approach, in which techniques that measure both the objective physiological response and the subjective self-reported psychological response of both males and females to sexual situations are used. The second interviewee, Lisa Diamond, uses a qualitative approach that relies largely on in-depth interviews with women. The third interviewee, Marta Means, uses both quantitative and qualitative approaches. Her quantitative approaches have recently examined visual attention to sexual images, while her qualitative work comes from treating women with dyspareunia, a term used to describe difficult or painful intercourse.

What did I learn from this article? First, the data obtained by Chivers that there is a profound disconnect between the physiological and psychological responses of women to sexually explicit images. Second, that there may also be a disconnect between emotional intimacy and sexual desire - or, more bluntly as put by Means, the drive of sheer lust and the impetus of value (closeness and longevity). I was not surprised by the major conclusion of Diamond, in that, in contrast to male sexuality, female sexuality has a high degree of fluidity in terms of attraction to the same or opposite sex. Her results suggest that sexual attraction in women is driven by emotional closeness and points to oxytocin as a prominent physiological mediator. Her conclusion is that there is a strong link between emotional intimacy and desire.

What do I think? First, I find Chivers’ research quite compelling, particularly the use of quantitative measurements of physiology. I tend to believe her conclusion that there is a fundamental difference in the way men and women experience sexual desire. I also agree with Diamond’s model, in which oxytocin provides a physiological connection between the emotional and physical aspects of sexual desire. However, I disagree with the notion that oxytocin is a female-specific mediator. Rather, I think that this physiological system functions in men as well. However, unlike praire voles, in which the oxytocin system provides a strong bonding mechanism that is, in genetic parlance, highly penetrant, the physiological connection between the emotional and physical aspects of sexual desire in humans incorporates a multitude of inputs, of which oxytocin is just one. The research of Means’, which indicates that while bad relationships can kill sexual desire, a good relationship in other areas is not sufficient to stimulate sexual desire, is consistent with both my experience and anecdotal evidence from others. The oxytocin system may be necessary but not sufficient to link the emotional and sexual aspects of a relationship.

There is much that we do not know.

A welcome change of pace

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 18:26:00 +0000

I was an avid runner when I was in high school and in college. I went to a small high school, where I was the only long-distance runner on the track team. As far as high school runners go, I was ok, but not outstanding - I consistently placed in the top three in our league meets, went to sectionals my junior and senior year, but never made it to the next level. In college, I walked onto to the cross-country team and competed for both the cross country and track teams for all four years. My experience highlights the advantage of going to a small Division III college, where a student with average athletic talent but an abundance of drive and determination can participate in intercollegiate athletics.

I have started running again. I have told several people that my goal is to run faster now than I did when I was 20. Not likely to happen, as my best cross-country time for 5 miles was a few seconds over 25 minutes - or 5 minutes/mile pace. This was back in the day when the cross country distance for Division III schools was 5 miles while Division I and II schools were running 10K courses. A more realistic goal is a 5K in under 21 minutes - a sub 7 minute/mile pace.

I'll be looking for several local 5K road races to run in this spring and summer. In the meantime, the 5K time of 23:30 on a treadmill that I ran today provides a benchmark for where I am. I'll keep you posted.

THE CONVERSATION - TAKE 1

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 10:51:00 +0000

My wife and I started to have THE CONVERSATION yesterday. The conversation about the role of physical/sexual intimacy in our relationship. We covered some important ground in this conversation, though none of it very deeply. So, this morning, I am sorting through where this conversation leaves us.

We spent a good part of the time debating the process. I wanted to have this discussion at a time and place where we could talk without distractions and without our son being present. I told her that I have some things to say that I do not want to say when there is the possibility that our son may overhear us. She did not want to postpone the conversation, so we agreed to start the conversation and managed to conduct it in a kid-friendly manner. Some of the subsequent conversations will need to take place when we have more privacy.

The major conclusion is that we will work on improving the quality of our sexual interactions. This came after her stating in an email and reiterating in person that “sex has been pretty crumby, beside the pain, for quite a while”. I did communicate to her that I want the whole package - laughing in bed, laying around naked in bed, being comfortable with each other’s bodies, the whole range of sexual/physical intimacy. I made it clear that what really was bothering me was the absence of this entire package, not just the fact that we have only had sexual intercourse twice in the past three years.

As always, the devil is in the details. How are we going to improve the quality of our sexual interactions? We need to go into those details during subsequent conversations.

In subsequent conversations, I must point out to her that I do not want lousy sex on an occasional basis. I want very good, soul-satisfying sex on a regular basis. That I need to have a satisfying sexual intimacy in our relationship. Or I WILL go find it elsewhere - something that I have never said to her.

One strong impression I have is that she doesn’t understand the importance of sexual/physical intimacy in a relationship. She said that just because you love someone doesn't mean that you want to have sex with that person. This was in response to my statement that "I love you and as part of that love, I want to be sexually intimate with you". I don't know how to convince her of the important role that physical/sexual intimacy has in a loving relationship. Lots of positive reinforcement, I suppose. And keeping this subject as part of our day to day conversation, rather than avoiding it altogether, like we have been doing for at least 20 years.

She says that she is committed to the marriage relationship. Only time will tell if she is really interested in improving the quantity and quality of sexual interactions. She did say that she could “just fake it”. I will be on the watch for “mercy fucks”. I will not accept the “I’ll open up my legs, just stick it in and get it over with” type of sex.

After turning over in my mind some of the many statements that were made in the course of the conversation, I found this one particularly interesting. She said “I can show you ten women who have no interest in sex”. I think she was using this to say that, look, I am not the only woman who is not interested in sex. What I did NOT say in return, was that I have met women who are much more interested in sex than you are. What I did say is that nobody else matters except you and I.

One way to take her statement is as an implicit threat - saying that you are not going to be able to find any other women who is more interested in sex than I am. Again, only time will tell if her bluff gets called.

At the end, she said that it was good for our son to see his parents resolve a conflict. I don’t see that the conflict was actually resolved. I think that the dimensions of the conflict are beginning to become apparent. The first question I will have for her today on this subject (NO, this will NOT be the first thing that I say to her today) will be her opinion as to what was resolved in our conversation last night. As I said above, my impression is that we have resolved to work on improving our sexual/physical intimacy.

So I think that I need to have a therapist on my side as I go through this process to offer (1) reassurance that a quality sex life is worth having (2) help me determine if it is possible to have a quality sex life with her; to offer suggestions for actions and help me evaluate how they turned out and (3) support me in going through a divorce if the conclusion is that it is not possible to have a quality sex life with my wife. She is not willing to go into couple's therapy with me, although I have asked her several times over the past couple of years. I will not ask her again. And my therapist will need to be aware of her aversion to couple's therapy.

There has to be a timeline. And a commitment to follow through with separation and divorce, if that is the case. I take encouragement from people that I know in real life and from many blogs that I have read who have successfully navigated this route.

I earned my PhD in a scientific discipline 21 years ago next month. I now need to earn my PhD in life. I suspect that my scientific PhD will prove to be the easier degree to earn.

PS - No, I didn't use the "I am gay" gambit. And I won't. Because this is not about being gay or bi or straight, but about being honest about the importance of physical/sexual intimacy to my happiness. Starting now and going forward.

Seven years is a very long time

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 11:37:00 +0000

It is a bright but cold morning in the midwest. A perfect morning for walking the dogs on the trail. I selected Gordon Lightfoot for my music this morning - "Summertime Dream" on the way out and "Endless Wire" for the way back. Good music for introspection and reflection.

A brief conversation that my wife and I had on Christmas morning. Our son was up, but she was still in her PJ’s in bed, drinking her morning coffee. I came back to bed (fully clothed) and laid on top of the covers. As we chatted about various things, I said that one thing I really missed was enjoying naked time together on holiday mornings. In reply, she mentioned that we would once again have the house to ourselves after he goes off to college in a few short years. Seven years. I felt that, once again, we were talking across each other rather than really listening and communicating with each other and didn’t press the issue. In retrospect, maybe I should have.

Seven years is a very very very long time. Although as a percentage, 7 is 14% of 50 while 7 is 17.5% of 40, it strikes me that the age difference between 50 and 57 is actually much greater than the age difference between 40 and 47. The reason is, as someone else told me, that being older means that there is less of your life left. Exactly. The next 7 years is a larger fraction of my remaining years of health and vitality than when I was 40.

One thought is that I should tell my wife that I am gay. Am I gay to the extent that I wish to pursue intimate relationship(s) with men to the exclusion of such relationship(s) with women? NO. Am I interested in exploring that aspect of my sexuality? Yes, with the right person/people. Yesterday, thinking about this, I realized that I could honestly tell her that I would like to explore the possibility that I am gay, including having sex with another man. And that the only way to do that is to be able to meet and date other people openly. Which is not possible in a conventional marriage. I may use this as an opening gambit to start a serious conversation about sex and our relationship. She is perfectly ok with same-sex relationships, as she is fully supportive of her sister and her sister's long-term partner who were recently married. And my wife had a same-sex relationship for several years that ended well before we met. But, as our conversation on Christmas morning indicates, I'll have to be persistent in leading the conversation to the topic(s) that I want to talk about.

The advantage of this approach is that it takes the entire burden of her not being able to/not wanting to be sexually active with me out of the discussion. And, by placing it in the context of me wanting to explore my sexuality rather than moving out because I no longer wish to live with her, it changes the entire tenor of the discussion. And although it doesn’t change the economic fundamentals, it also gives her the freedom to move on. Are we at the same place in our relationship? No, I don’t think so. I think that she is settled and happy, for the most part, with the status quo. In my reading of other people’s stories, the two people in the relationship are rarely, if ever, in the same place with respect to the dissolution of their relationship.

When all is said and done, what is certainly true is that I profoundly and deeply miss sharing sexual touch with another person. I do not think it is possible for me to be celibate for seven years.

This is why I am still married...

labsurferdude@yahoo.com (labsurferdude) — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 01:32:00 +0000

I am working in my office - trying to clean it up a little bit (really, I am just putting off working on a manuscript that should have been finished three months ago).

And I see an assignment that my son did in school last year that I have taped to the door of a filing cabinet.

It has his name across the top and it titled "my dad". The text (verbatim except for my name) is:

"My dad's name is xxxx. He is not mean. He tret's me like a king I try to do the same thing. so he heps me larn and play. He love me and I love him. He is always there for me. and I'm there for him I love my dad."

I am going to put this in a safe place and pull it out when we start butting heads in his teenage years.