My wife and I had a minor issue today with respect to my lack of response to a phone message from her. This particular incident is a minor one, but is illustrative of our larger communication issues.
First, some background. It was a choir morning today. Which meant that I started waking my son up at 6:30 so that we could leave by 7:30. I started to wake him up, then took the dogs outside for a pee break, then came back in - fed him, fed the cats and cleaned up the kitchen, got his snack and water ready, got him dressed, out the door and drove him to school. He was a little bit cranky because he is always cold and cranky in the morning. We left on time and he got to school on time in a good mood.
I came back home, took the dogs for a walk, shaved my face, made sure that the kitchen was cleaned up and then left for the university. My wife was still sleeping when I left.
I got to my office a bit after 9 and left at 10 to return some graded exams and spent 90 minutes talking to a colleague. Came back to my building in time for a noon meeting. Stopped in my office and there was a message from my wife - nice, pleasant, “just hoped things went ok this morning, love you, bye”. She was on her cell phone, so I inferred that she was on her way to a meeting. I didn’t return it because I didn’t think that a return call was either wanted or needed. And I had a meeting at noon, which I had to zoom out of early because I had gotten a surprise email about Challenge Club lunch at my son's school (meaning that the parents can join their child for lunch in recognition of having turned in all the homework for the month). And there was the usual bucket full of emails to respond to.
Came back from my son's school, had a meeting at 3:00, then went back to my office. She had called again and left a message about a “check engine” light going on in her car. And there was a second garbled message from my son. I called home - to be sure that they got home ok - which they had. My son answered and explained his message - which was for me to pick up a particular type of notebook for him on the way home. So I did. It only took an extra five minutes. And I got home well before my wife had to leave for her class.
The first thing she said to me when I got home, in a sarcastic tone of voice, was “I’m glad that you were able to do that [pick up the notebook] even though you were not able to return my phone call”. OK - here she goes - pushing at my buttons again. I explained to her that the reason I called home was to return her second message. That wasn’t good enough. She had expected a return phone call from me in response to her first message. And she went on to say that she felt foolish about leaving her phone on during the day because she was expecting a return call.
Analysis: She did make an effort to reach out to me. Which was not reciprocated, because I did not return her phone call. And now she feels rejected because I didn’t respond. And she is hurt, disappointed and even angry (because I could do something for my son but not for her). From her point of view, it does not matter why I did not respond to her first phone message, only that I did not. In my defense, there was not a clear request to return her call, there was no sense on my part that this was an important phone call and I was quite busy today.
What I should do is renew my efforts to be sensitive to her approaches for communication and interaction. And respond in kind, with my own attempts to initiate communication and interactions.
At the moment, I don’t see any reason why I should. I don’t see where such attempts will lead. I feel that we have been stuck in a negative feedback cycle for a long time, in which any failure to reciprocate is perceived as a indifference or, even worse, purposeful rejection, regardless of the circumstances. For my part, I am focusing on being objective and observing our interactions without imputing any particular motivation to her actions.
I have little confidence that any effort on my part will get us out of the current negative spiral and into a positive feedback cycle.
Gottman talks about this in the context of “attribution”. How couples in love with each other will excuse or overlook mistakes and errors made by their significant other. In contrast, when a couple is on the proverbial thin ice, there is a tendency for negative attribution - to attribute negative intent to neutral, or even positive, acts. In the vernacular, this is sometimes referred to as “giving someone the benefit of the doubt”. For my part, I try very hard to give everyone that I deal with “the benefit of the doubt”. To be frank, it has been a very long time since I felt that I was given the benefit of the doubt by her.
Hockey season is almost over. Time to put those skates away? Or should I venture out on the ice again?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Trust (or, rather, lack thereof)
My wife and I have issues beyond the lack of sex. I suspect that a marital therapist would say that these other issues are the more important ones. And they are most likely right.
One is TRUST.
This issue came up yesterday. My son and I took our new addition to the vet for an appointment with Dr. T to determine if he was healthy enough to be neutered, which involves anesthesia. One concern of ours was a slight elevation in liver enzymes that had been noted when we first brought him in. As he was a stray with no history when we brought him in, this had been attributed to an infectious microorganism, of which there are many that a dog might encounter when wandering through the woods. At the time, he was put on an antibiotic and is nearly finished with the course of treatment.
We have been going to the same husband and wife vet team for almost 20 years and trust them explicitly with the health of our cohabitating critters.
I talked with Dr. T about his health. She asked about his urination habits and bowel movements. He had not lost or gained any weight in the past three weeks and has been very active and alert in his appearance. She said that her main concern for surgery and anesthesia was his heart - so she listened carefully to his heart. The dog also has a lump on one leg and we decided that the lump would also be removed when he was under anesthesia for the neutering procedure. We talked about doing more extensive tests to assess his health, but decided together that it was not worth it. After the examination and conversation, Dr. T was satisfied that the dog is healthy and capable of surviving an anesthetic/surgical procedure with no anticipated difficulties. We scheduled it about ten days off, at least a week after the end of the antibiotic treatment he is on now.
When we got home, my wife asked what Dr. T said. I started to relate what Dr. T did and what we talked about, when she interrupted me and asked about the blood work. But there was no blood work done, as Dr. T didn’t think it was necessary. I said that Dr. T’s main concern was his heart - that she listened carefully to his heart and reached the conclusion that he was good to go for surgery.
That did not satisfy her. She asked me why I didn’t insist on having blood work done. I said because Dr. T didn’t think that it was needed. That she made the assessment as to suitability for surgery based on listening to his heart. Again, she wanted to know why I didn’t insist on having it done. At one point, she said that she didn’t care about what Dr. T said, but that she wanted to know what I was thinking, why didn’t I insist on having the liver function examined. Recognizing that one of my buttons was being pushed, I calmly said that this was not about what I was thinking, but about Dr. T determining if our dog is ok for surgery. And if she had any questions, then she should call Dr. T herself.
So she called the office, left a message and talked to Dr. T a couple of hours later. The gist of the conversation between my wife and Dr. T was essentially the same as between Dr. T and myself. That the main concern was heart function. That the elevated liver enzymes were not a concern and that the antibiotic treatment was addressing that anyway. That we talked about doing more tests, but concluded that additional tests were not likely to be of value at this time. That conversation apparently addressed my wife’s concerns.
So why do I believe this is lack of TRUST? Rather than assuming that I was capable of working with the vet to make the decision about surgery, and instead of listening to what I said about Dr. T’s major concern and how that was addressed, my wife turned the conversation around to an examination of why I did not push the issue of bloodwork to check for liver problems. As her subsequent conversation with Dr. T showed, the issue was heart function, not liver function.
This is typical of many of our interactions. Rather than believe that I carried out some responsibility with all due care and thought, rather than listening to what I say and considering it, she quickly challenges my account of the situation. Rather than get drawn into a heated discussion of "why didn't you" recriminations, the best recourse I have found is to invite her to gather the information for herself. Invariably, hearing the same information from another person will mollify her. And life goes on.
I have reached the point where I don't care.
One is TRUST.
This issue came up yesterday. My son and I took our new addition to the vet for an appointment with Dr. T to determine if he was healthy enough to be neutered, which involves anesthesia. One concern of ours was a slight elevation in liver enzymes that had been noted when we first brought him in. As he was a stray with no history when we brought him in, this had been attributed to an infectious microorganism, of which there are many that a dog might encounter when wandering through the woods. At the time, he was put on an antibiotic and is nearly finished with the course of treatment.
We have been going to the same husband and wife vet team for almost 20 years and trust them explicitly with the health of our cohabitating critters.
I talked with Dr. T about his health. She asked about his urination habits and bowel movements. He had not lost or gained any weight in the past three weeks and has been very active and alert in his appearance. She said that her main concern for surgery and anesthesia was his heart - so she listened carefully to his heart. The dog also has a lump on one leg and we decided that the lump would also be removed when he was under anesthesia for the neutering procedure. We talked about doing more extensive tests to assess his health, but decided together that it was not worth it. After the examination and conversation, Dr. T was satisfied that the dog is healthy and capable of surviving an anesthetic/surgical procedure with no anticipated difficulties. We scheduled it about ten days off, at least a week after the end of the antibiotic treatment he is on now.
When we got home, my wife asked what Dr. T said. I started to relate what Dr. T did and what we talked about, when she interrupted me and asked about the blood work. But there was no blood work done, as Dr. T didn’t think it was necessary. I said that Dr. T’s main concern was his heart - that she listened carefully to his heart and reached the conclusion that he was good to go for surgery.
That did not satisfy her. She asked me why I didn’t insist on having blood work done. I said because Dr. T didn’t think that it was needed. That she made the assessment as to suitability for surgery based on listening to his heart. Again, she wanted to know why I didn’t insist on having it done. At one point, she said that she didn’t care about what Dr. T said, but that she wanted to know what I was thinking, why didn’t I insist on having the liver function examined. Recognizing that one of my buttons was being pushed, I calmly said that this was not about what I was thinking, but about Dr. T determining if our dog is ok for surgery. And if she had any questions, then she should call Dr. T herself.
So she called the office, left a message and talked to Dr. T a couple of hours later. The gist of the conversation between my wife and Dr. T was essentially the same as between Dr. T and myself. That the main concern was heart function. That the elevated liver enzymes were not a concern and that the antibiotic treatment was addressing that anyway. That we talked about doing more tests, but concluded that additional tests were not likely to be of value at this time. That conversation apparently addressed my wife’s concerns.
So why do I believe this is lack of TRUST? Rather than assuming that I was capable of working with the vet to make the decision about surgery, and instead of listening to what I said about Dr. T’s major concern and how that was addressed, my wife turned the conversation around to an examination of why I did not push the issue of bloodwork to check for liver problems. As her subsequent conversation with Dr. T showed, the issue was heart function, not liver function.
This is typical of many of our interactions. Rather than believe that I carried out some responsibility with all due care and thought, rather than listening to what I say and considering it, she quickly challenges my account of the situation. Rather than get drawn into a heated discussion of "why didn't you" recriminations, the best recourse I have found is to invite her to gather the information for herself. Invariably, hearing the same information from another person will mollify her. And life goes on.
I have reached the point where I don't care.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Three interdependent variables
Scientists like to find relationships between key entities that encapsulate the true essence of a subject area. Like Einstein’s equation that explains the relationship between energy and mass. Like the Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle that explains why it is impossible to measure, with absolute precision, both the position and momentum of a particle. Like Darwin’s idea that selection of variant organisms within a population gives rise to the bewildering diversity of all life forms, past and present. Like the notion that phenotype is determined by complex interactions between its genotype and its environment.
So here is a proposal. That there are three aspects of life that we have control over. Time, energy, and money. We can not control how other people act. We can not control the weather or other natural events. But we can control how we utilize our time, our energy, and our money.
Time is a straightforward concept. We only have 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. Everybody has the same amount of time. How we choose to use our time will have a major impact on our life story.
Energy, broadly speaking, is our health - physical, mental and spiritual. Everyone has some level of energy, although there are significant variations among people in both the specific types of energy and in their total energy level. Even so, we choose to utilize our energy in different ways and our choices will have a major impact on our life story.
Money is a more diffuse concept. In a fundamental sense, money represents physical possessions - whether it is a zucchini that we have grown in our garden, a McMansion that we call home or the size of our bank account. How we choose to use our money is a major component of our life story.
These variables are interdependent. We can spend our time and energy to increase our financial resources. We can use our financial resources to increase the amount of free time or to increase our energy.
So here is a proposal. That there are three aspects of life that we have control over. Time, energy, and money. We can not control how other people act. We can not control the weather or other natural events. But we can control how we utilize our time, our energy, and our money.
Time is a straightforward concept. We only have 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. Everybody has the same amount of time. How we choose to use our time will have a major impact on our life story.
Energy, broadly speaking, is our health - physical, mental and spiritual. Everyone has some level of energy, although there are significant variations among people in both the specific types of energy and in their total energy level. Even so, we choose to utilize our energy in different ways and our choices will have a major impact on our life story.
Money is a more diffuse concept. In a fundamental sense, money represents physical possessions - whether it is a zucchini that we have grown in our garden, a McMansion that we call home or the size of our bank account. How we choose to use our money is a major component of our life story.
These variables are interdependent. We can spend our time and energy to increase our financial resources. We can use our financial resources to increase the amount of free time or to increase our energy.
The story of our life is built, bit by bit, through each and every choice that we make in terms of how we use our time, energy and money. We can choose to spend our time and/or energy and/or money meeting our own needs and desires. We can expend our resources in the service of others, using our time, energy and money to meet their needs. Depending on the choices we make, our life story will be quite different.
Daily question for self - are the choices that I make consistent with how I want the story of my life to read?
Daily question for self - are the choices that I make consistent with how I want the story of my life to read?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Adding another one to the zoo
My wife and I have had dogs as part of our household since before we were married. As graduate students, we were charter members of DINKWADS (Double Income, No Kids, With A (couple of) DogS. Although, as graduate students, our double income was just above the poverty line.
Over the years, we have had a number of dogs share our lives. Nine have lived their life to the fullest and two are still with us. All have been either adopted from the shelter or strays that showed up at our house. Obviously the IQ of their previous owners were all below 50, as their previous owners were not capable of reading the “found dog” ad we would always place in the newspaper and in mailboxes. A number of other dogs have showed up at our house and have been successfully returned to their owners. In at least one instance, sans testicles! Our current dogs are no exception: One was found by my wife just laying in the middle of the road and the other showed up at our house as a young puppy, lost, hungry and very tired.
Just before Christmas, an Australian cattle dog showed up at our house. A great dog, a real working dog - the kind of dog that is only happy when given a job to do. Not the sit around the house kind of dog. No one claimed him from our "found" ad. A friend of ours has a hobby of training cattle and sheep herding dogs and knew of a farm that was looking to train and use a cattle herding dog. Perfect job for him - and he is now very happy with his life.
About two weeks ago, a border collie mixed breed joined our two dogs and me on our morning walk. So he ended up staying at our house for about a week, including a couple of trips to the vet. Turns out that he is ten years old, going blind with cataracts and may have a potentially life-threatening liver infection. But being blind has not stopped him from chasing our seven cats around the house (and he has the scratches across his nose to prove it!).
Of course, we put a found dog ad in the paper. Turns out that he was owned by one of the locals, an older man, in his 70’s, who lives in a little gathering of houses about a mile down the road from us. Up until several years ago, they had a chicken coop and he was the guard dog for the coop. But no more chickens. All he did, all day, every day, was sit outside tied up on a lead. No attention from anyone. And, of course, he has not been neutered.
So when he came to pick him up, my wife volunteered to take him back if there were any problems. A couple of days later, he called and said that the dog was unhappy and constantly whining and asked if we would be willing to take him back. My wife and I talked about it off and on (to say that we spent more time on this subject than on the absence of sex between us would not be an exaggeration). I was not in favor of this, as I am increasingly feeling the cost, in time and money, that comes with being a responsible pet owner. Finally she said “Can’t we give Bucky a few years of a good life?” OK. I am a soft touch. So last night, my son and I went to pick him up tonight. The old man (and his mom, who lives with him) was glad to see the dog go - one less burden in their lives. And one more in ours.
And here is my daily rant - why do people have dogs (or other pets) that they don’t or can't take care of? And why don't they spay/neuter the pets that they do have? Grrrr!
Over the years, we have had a number of dogs share our lives. Nine have lived their life to the fullest and two are still with us. All have been either adopted from the shelter or strays that showed up at our house. Obviously the IQ of their previous owners were all below 50, as their previous owners were not capable of reading the “found dog” ad we would always place in the newspaper and in mailboxes. A number of other dogs have showed up at our house and have been successfully returned to their owners. In at least one instance, sans testicles! Our current dogs are no exception: One was found by my wife just laying in the middle of the road and the other showed up at our house as a young puppy, lost, hungry and very tired.
Just before Christmas, an Australian cattle dog showed up at our house. A great dog, a real working dog - the kind of dog that is only happy when given a job to do. Not the sit around the house kind of dog. No one claimed him from our "found" ad. A friend of ours has a hobby of training cattle and sheep herding dogs and knew of a farm that was looking to train and use a cattle herding dog. Perfect job for him - and he is now very happy with his life.
About two weeks ago, a border collie mixed breed joined our two dogs and me on our morning walk. So he ended up staying at our house for about a week, including a couple of trips to the vet. Turns out that he is ten years old, going blind with cataracts and may have a potentially life-threatening liver infection. But being blind has not stopped him from chasing our seven cats around the house (and he has the scratches across his nose to prove it!).
Of course, we put a found dog ad in the paper. Turns out that he was owned by one of the locals, an older man, in his 70’s, who lives in a little gathering of houses about a mile down the road from us. Up until several years ago, they had a chicken coop and he was the guard dog for the coop. But no more chickens. All he did, all day, every day, was sit outside tied up on a lead. No attention from anyone. And, of course, he has not been neutered.
So when he came to pick him up, my wife volunteered to take him back if there were any problems. A couple of days later, he called and said that the dog was unhappy and constantly whining and asked if we would be willing to take him back. My wife and I talked about it off and on (to say that we spent more time on this subject than on the absence of sex between us would not be an exaggeration). I was not in favor of this, as I am increasingly feeling the cost, in time and money, that comes with being a responsible pet owner. Finally she said “Can’t we give Bucky a few years of a good life?” OK. I am a soft touch. So last night, my son and I went to pick him up tonight. The old man (and his mom, who lives with him) was glad to see the dog go - one less burden in their lives. And one more in ours.
And here is my daily rant - why do people have dogs (or other pets) that they don’t or can't take care of? And why don't they spay/neuter the pets that they do have? Grrrr!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Crossroads
I feel that I am approaching a crossroad or a fork in the road. A choice between two or three options. I am not there, yet. But, like deciding which lane to be in on a highway as a series of exits are approaching, the time at which any decision will be irrevocable is approaching.
This past Sunday, after getting nowhere with an attempt on my part to resume the “bones to pick” conversation, she mentioned the possibility of an out-on-the-town event to go to on March 20. Adults only. And then Monday, after forgetting her workout clothes at home, she called me about getting a cup of coffee together before she went to pick up our son from school. Both of these situations smack of an attempt on her part to “do things” together. Yesterday, over coffee, we talked about her class and about the possibility of her developing a more substantial teaching career - first doing more single classes and then maybe even a part-time faculty appointment. We also talked about university stuff in general terms and about my teaching responsibilities. The conversations were ok, even good, but pretty much on the surface.
Is this the life that I want to lead?
By this life - I mean: Leave my office at an early hour to get home so she can go off to teach her class; walk the dogs, then play with or do homework with my son and a do a bit of email catchup or waste time with internet browsing; warm up dinner/make dinner/eat/clean up; do a bit more of email or internet browsing; head our son off to bed and go to bed myself; get up, drink coffee, have some quiet moments and then get my son up, walk the dogs and head off to his school and the university.
The weekend routine is different, but still routine: On the weekends: Spend Saturday home with my son - play with him, clean house, do loads of laundry, maybe do a little work (writing or reading or email catchup) as he plays or watches TV. My wife is out for most of Saturday with a class or two, gym and grocery shopping. On Sunday, I do more housecleaning, dog trail walk, play with my son, while she talks to her mom and sisters on the phone and does a little bit of cleaning and/or cooking. On the weekends, I do some of the meal preparations and all of the clean up.
What do I get out of this life? Mostly positive interactions with my son and the satisfaction of watching him grow up.
What is missing? A sense that my time is my own. Time to spend on things that I want to do. And, not the least, the sense of a strong connection with my wife, on the emotional level, on a conversational level, as well as complete absence of a sexual/physical connection.
Good news from earlier this week: my son did very well on his District Reading Assessment proficiency test - best in his class, he said. He is a good reader, when he settles down to read. And he is smart in his ability to figure out what is going on, when he is able to focus, is not frustrated and doesn’t feel like he wants to be doing something else that is running through his brain. And he has done well with focusing in his homework lately - which is typically done after I get home and my wife leaves for her class. Great job with simple division and with spelling. And I like the creative way that he is making up websites. He has a strong creative expressive streak that needs to be nurtured and developed.
The cross roads that are approaching: The choices of what lane to be in:
Lane 1: Muddle through this life - staying married, doing the best I can to keep it all together - home, house, finances, my son, work. Continue the asexual/dysfunctional relationship with my wife. Get my son off to college and then reconsider my options at the age of 58.
Lane 2: Give myself three years to become financially able to move out. Be highly focused on debt reduction, reducing expenditures. And on your science and physical fitness. Do not push for any substantive changes in the relationship with my wife. Then move out and establish my own life.
Lane 3: Decide that I can not live in a relationship without sexual/physical intimacy. Move out in six months to my own apartment. Focus on my work, physical fitness, finances, damage repair to my relationship with my son, and building my own life.
Yeah, I know - sounds like I am going in circles instead of making forward progress. Such is life.
This past Sunday, after getting nowhere with an attempt on my part to resume the “bones to pick” conversation, she mentioned the possibility of an out-on-the-town event to go to on March 20. Adults only. And then Monday, after forgetting her workout clothes at home, she called me about getting a cup of coffee together before she went to pick up our son from school. Both of these situations smack of an attempt on her part to “do things” together. Yesterday, over coffee, we talked about her class and about the possibility of her developing a more substantial teaching career - first doing more single classes and then maybe even a part-time faculty appointment. We also talked about university stuff in general terms and about my teaching responsibilities. The conversations were ok, even good, but pretty much on the surface.
Is this the life that I want to lead?
By this life - I mean: Leave my office at an early hour to get home so she can go off to teach her class; walk the dogs, then play with or do homework with my son and a do a bit of email catchup or waste time with internet browsing; warm up dinner/make dinner/eat/clean up; do a bit more of email or internet browsing; head our son off to bed and go to bed myself; get up, drink coffee, have some quiet moments and then get my son up, walk the dogs and head off to his school and the university.
The weekend routine is different, but still routine: On the weekends: Spend Saturday home with my son - play with him, clean house, do loads of laundry, maybe do a little work (writing or reading or email catchup) as he plays or watches TV. My wife is out for most of Saturday with a class or two, gym and grocery shopping. On Sunday, I do more housecleaning, dog trail walk, play with my son, while she talks to her mom and sisters on the phone and does a little bit of cleaning and/or cooking. On the weekends, I do some of the meal preparations and all of the clean up.
What do I get out of this life? Mostly positive interactions with my son and the satisfaction of watching him grow up.
What is missing? A sense that my time is my own. Time to spend on things that I want to do. And, not the least, the sense of a strong connection with my wife, on the emotional level, on a conversational level, as well as complete absence of a sexual/physical connection.
Good news from earlier this week: my son did very well on his District Reading Assessment proficiency test - best in his class, he said. He is a good reader, when he settles down to read. And he is smart in his ability to figure out what is going on, when he is able to focus, is not frustrated and doesn’t feel like he wants to be doing something else that is running through his brain. And he has done well with focusing in his homework lately - which is typically done after I get home and my wife leaves for her class. Great job with simple division and with spelling. And I like the creative way that he is making up websites. He has a strong creative expressive streak that needs to be nurtured and developed.
The cross roads that are approaching: The choices of what lane to be in:
Lane 1: Muddle through this life - staying married, doing the best I can to keep it all together - home, house, finances, my son, work. Continue the asexual/dysfunctional relationship with my wife. Get my son off to college and then reconsider my options at the age of 58.
Lane 2: Give myself three years to become financially able to move out. Be highly focused on debt reduction, reducing expenditures. And on your science and physical fitness. Do not push for any substantive changes in the relationship with my wife. Then move out and establish my own life.
Lane 3: Decide that I can not live in a relationship without sexual/physical intimacy. Move out in six months to my own apartment. Focus on my work, physical fitness, finances, damage repair to my relationship with my son, and building my own life.
Yeah, I know - sounds like I am going in circles instead of making forward progress. Such is life.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Getting reacquainted?
Yesterday evening before dinner, while having a pleasant conversation with my wife about the itinerary of a short trip that I am going on next week, I mentioned that I would have a couple of hours between taking my son to school and the time that I had to leave for the airport. I walked over to her, put my arm around her shoulder and said that I would like to spend that time getting reacquainted with her.
Her response was “I’ve got a few bones to pick with you”. She said that she has issues with the way that I am, with the way that I act. And went into a little spiel about how she knows that it is not possible to change the way other people are. My response was “Pick away - let's talk about our issues.” But she declined to continue the conversation. It would seem that she has some things to say, when we have privacy and time. So do I. I am looking forward to the next Conversation.
Stay tuned.
Her response was “I’ve got a few bones to pick with you”. She said that she has issues with the way that I am, with the way that I act. And went into a little spiel about how she knows that it is not possible to change the way other people are. My response was “Pick away - let's talk about our issues.” But she declined to continue the conversation. It would seem that she has some things to say, when we have privacy and time. So do I. I am looking forward to the next Conversation.
Stay tuned.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Keeping track: NYR #2
Part of New Year's Resolution #2 was to have three gym workouts per week. In January, I had one week when I didn't make it to the gym, two weeks that I went three times each week and one week that I only made it there once.
February is starting out better, with two good workouts on successive days. I am particularly happy with yesterday's workout, when I ran 4 miles in just under 30 minutes on the treadmill. The first three miles were in 21 minutes, after which I stopped to check my heart rate, walked for a minute to recover and then went back up to speed.
My legs are sore today, particularly my front thighs and calves. But, if there is any relationship between treadmill time and road running time, I am getting close to a 5K time of under 21 minutes.
February is starting out better, with two good workouts on successive days. I am particularly happy with yesterday's workout, when I ran 4 miles in just under 30 minutes on the treadmill. The first three miles were in 21 minutes, after which I stopped to check my heart rate, walked for a minute to recover and then went back up to speed.
My legs are sore today, particularly my front thighs and calves. But, if there is any relationship between treadmill time and road running time, I am getting close to a 5K time of under 21 minutes.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
What will happen to me?
First, some background. My son is adopted. Although it was a closed adoption, we know a few things about his birth family - age, racial background and that his birth mom has a daughter (not by his birth father) who is about two years older than he is. As he has gotten older, we have answered his questions about his birth origin with honesty and love. He appears to be well-adjusted to the fact that he is adopted, with both an immediate family and extended family who love him deeply. Knowing that he has a birth mom and dad has not been a factor in any behavioral situation. Until now.
One day last week, he stayed home for a “snow” day. Not because his school was closed - the inch of snow that we had gotten overnight was not enough to close the schools, but because he had been really hoping for a snow day. His mom had canceled her class in anticipation of more snow and was planning on being home all day. So we were willing to let him stay home, with the proviso that he finish all of his weekly homework.
I asked him about his homework when I got home. He and I quickly got into a verbal tussle. He didn’t want his attention to be taken from the TV show that he was watching. My wife said that he was fine until I got home. I commented to her that, in general, his behavior is pretty good with just one of us, but that he tends to become difficult when both of us are home. So she said to him "Do you want mom and dad split up? Would you behave better?” His behavior became more reasonable, we ate dinner and made our way to hockey practice.
It was a short hockey practice for him. I had tied his skates too tight and the skin on his ankle bone was sore because it was rubbing against his skate. So he came off the ice, changed clothes and we went home. On the way home, he started talking about seeking out his birth family and about going to live with them. I didn’t understand where this was coming from until he referred back to the comment from my wife earlier in the evening, asking the question “What will happen to me?” He was very upset, crying, yelling, pushing away any attempt by me to comfort him during the 30-minute drive home. After getting home, he finally calmed down, with a great deal of reassurance from both of us, including my wife saying that the "split up" comment was a joke. The last thing he said before going to sleep, with a smile on his face, as that he was going to write a letter to his birth mom.
The next day was back to school and into the routine. Neither the quest to find his birth family nor his fear about his home being split up have surfaced.
To me, this was a stark reminder of how much pain he would experience if (when) my wife and I were to separate and divorce. Yes, I know that kids are resilient. And that what matters is how the divorce is handled and the subsequent involvement of both parents in the lives of their children. But I don’t think that he is ready. And I am not sure that I am, either.
One day last week, he stayed home for a “snow” day. Not because his school was closed - the inch of snow that we had gotten overnight was not enough to close the schools, but because he had been really hoping for a snow day. His mom had canceled her class in anticipation of more snow and was planning on being home all day. So we were willing to let him stay home, with the proviso that he finish all of his weekly homework.
I asked him about his homework when I got home. He and I quickly got into a verbal tussle. He didn’t want his attention to be taken from the TV show that he was watching. My wife said that he was fine until I got home. I commented to her that, in general, his behavior is pretty good with just one of us, but that he tends to become difficult when both of us are home. So she said to him "Do you want mom and dad split up? Would you behave better?” His behavior became more reasonable, we ate dinner and made our way to hockey practice.
It was a short hockey practice for him. I had tied his skates too tight and the skin on his ankle bone was sore because it was rubbing against his skate. So he came off the ice, changed clothes and we went home. On the way home, he started talking about seeking out his birth family and about going to live with them. I didn’t understand where this was coming from until he referred back to the comment from my wife earlier in the evening, asking the question “What will happen to me?” He was very upset, crying, yelling, pushing away any attempt by me to comfort him during the 30-minute drive home. After getting home, he finally calmed down, with a great deal of reassurance from both of us, including my wife saying that the "split up" comment was a joke. The last thing he said before going to sleep, with a smile on his face, as that he was going to write a letter to his birth mom.
The next day was back to school and into the routine. Neither the quest to find his birth family nor his fear about his home being split up have surfaced.
To me, this was a stark reminder of how much pain he would experience if (when) my wife and I were to separate and divorce. Yes, I know that kids are resilient. And that what matters is how the divorce is handled and the subsequent involvement of both parents in the lives of their children. But I don’t think that he is ready. And I am not sure that I am, either.
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