Just read this article in NY Times magazine that was published January 22, 2009. The article is written by Daniel Bergner and summarizes his interviews with three leading female scientists on the nature of female sexuality.
The three scientists that Bergner interviewed approach the question from different points of view, using different experimental tools. The first interviewee, Meredith Chivers, takes a quantitative approach, in which techniques that measure both the objective physiological response and the subjective self-reported psychological response of both males and females to sexual situations are used. The second interviewee, Lisa Diamond, uses a qualitative approach that relies largely on in-depth interviews with women. The third interviewee, Marta Means, uses both quantitative and qualitative approaches. Her quantitative approaches have recently examined visual attention to sexual images, while her qualitative work comes from treating women with dyspareunia, a term used to describe difficult or painful intercourse.
What did I learn from this article? First, the data obtained by Chivers that there is a profound disconnect between the physiological and psychological responses of women to sexually explicit images. Second, that there may also be a disconnect between emotional intimacy and sexual desire - or, more bluntly as put by Means, the drive of sheer lust and the impetus of value (closeness and longevity). I was not surprised by the major conclusion of Diamond, in that, in contrast to male sexuality, female sexuality has a high degree of fluidity in terms of attraction to the same or opposite sex. Her results suggest that sexual attraction in women is driven by emotional closeness and points to oxytocin as a prominent physiological mediator. Her conclusion is that there is a strong link between emotional intimacy and desire.
What do I think? First, I find Chivers’ research quite compelling, particularly the use of quantitative measurements of physiology. I tend to believe her conclusion that there is a fundamental difference in the way men and women experience sexual desire. I also agree with Diamond’s model, in which oxytocin provides a physiological connection between the emotional and physical aspects of sexual desire. However, I disagree with the notion that oxytocin is a female-specific mediator. Rather, I think that this physiological system functions in men as well. However, unlike praire voles, in which the oxytocin system provides a strong bonding mechanism that is, in genetic parlance, highly penetrant, the physiological connection between the emotional and physical aspects of sexual desire in humans incorporates a multitude of inputs, of which oxytocin is just one. The research of Means’, which indicates that while bad relationships can kill sexual desire, a good relationship in other areas is not sufficient to stimulate sexual desire, is consistent with both my experience and anecdotal evidence from others. The oxytocin system may be necessary but not sufficient to link the emotional and sexual aspects of a relationship.
There is much that we do not know.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
A welcome change of pace
I was an avid runner when I was in high school and in college. I went to a small high school, where I was the only long-distance runner on the track team. As far as high school runners go, I was ok, but not outstanding - I consistently placed in the top three in our league meets, went to sectionals my junior and senior year, but never made it to the next level. In college, I walked onto to the cross-country team and competed for both the cross country and track teams for all four years. My experience highlights the advantage of going to a small Division III college, where a student with average athletic talent but an abundance of drive and determination can participate in intercollegiate athletics.
I have started running again. I have told several people that my goal is to run faster now than I did when I was 20. Not likely to happen, as my best cross-country time for 5 miles was a few seconds over 25 minutes - or 5 minutes/mile pace. This was back in the day when the cross country distance for Division III schools was 5 miles while Division I and II schools were running 10K courses. A more realistic goal is a 5K in under 21 minutes - a sub 7 minute/mile pace.
I'll be looking for several local 5K road races to run in this spring and summer. In the meantime, the 5K time of 23:30 on a treadmill that I ran today provides a benchmark for where I am. I'll keep you posted.
I have started running again. I have told several people that my goal is to run faster now than I did when I was 20. Not likely to happen, as my best cross-country time for 5 miles was a few seconds over 25 minutes - or 5 minutes/mile pace. This was back in the day when the cross country distance for Division III schools was 5 miles while Division I and II schools were running 10K courses. A more realistic goal is a 5K in under 21 minutes - a sub 7 minute/mile pace.
I'll be looking for several local 5K road races to run in this spring and summer. In the meantime, the 5K time of 23:30 on a treadmill that I ran today provides a benchmark for where I am. I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
THE CONVERSATION - TAKE 1
My wife and I started to have THE CONVERSATION yesterday. The conversation about the role of physical/sexual intimacy in our relationship. We covered some important ground in this conversation, though none of it very deeply. So, this morning, I am sorting through where this conversation leaves us.
We spent a good part of the time debating the process. I wanted to have this discussion at a time and place where we could talk without distractions and without our son being present. I told her that I have some things to say that I do not want to say when there is the possibility that our son may overhear us. She did not want to postpone the conversation, so we agreed to start the conversation and managed to conduct it in a kid-friendly manner. Some of the subsequent conversations will need to take place when we have more privacy.
The major conclusion is that we will work on improving the quality of our sexual interactions. This came after her stating in an email and reiterating in person that “sex has been pretty crumby, beside the pain, for quite a while”. I did communicate to her that I want the whole package - laughing in bed, laying around naked in bed, being comfortable with each other’s bodies, the whole range of sexual/physical intimacy. I made it clear that what really was bothering me was the absence of this entire package, not just the fact that we have only had sexual intercourse twice in the past three years.
As always, the devil is in the details. How are we going to improve the quality of our sexual interactions? We need to go into those details during subsequent conversations.
In subsequent conversations, I must point out to her that I do not want lousy sex on an occasional basis. I want very good, soul-satisfying sex on a regular basis. That I need to have a satisfying sexual intimacy in our relationship. Or I WILL go find it elsewhere - something that I have never said to her.
One strong impression I have is that she doesn’t understand the importance of sexual/physical intimacy in a relationship. She said that just because you love someone doesn't mean that you want to have sex with that person. This was in response to my statement that "I love you and as part of that love, I want to be sexually intimate with you". I don't know how to convince her of the important role that physical/sexual intimacy has in a loving relationship. Lots of positive reinforcement, I suppose. And keeping this subject as part of our day to day conversation, rather than avoiding it altogether, like we have been doing for at least 20 years.
She says that she is committed to the marriage relationship. Only time will tell if she is really interested in improving the quantity and quality of sexual interactions. She did say that she could “just fake it”. I will be on the watch for “mercy fucks”. I will not accept the “I’ll open up my legs, just stick it in and get it over with” type of sex.
After turning over in my mind some of the many statements that were made in the course of the conversation, I found this one particularly interesting. She said “I can show you ten women who have no interest in sex”. I think she was using this to say that, look, I am not the only woman who is not interested in sex. What I did NOT say in return, was that I have met women who are much more interested in sex than you are. What I did say is that nobody else matters except you and I.
One way to take her statement is as an implicit threat - saying that you are not going to be able to find any other women who is more interested in sex than I am. Again, only time will tell if her bluff gets called.
At the end, she said that it was good for our son to see his parents resolve a conflict. I don’t see that the conflict was actually resolved. I think that the dimensions of the conflict are beginning to become apparent. The first question I will have for her today on this subject (NO, this will NOT be the first thing that I say to her today) will be her opinion as to what was resolved in our conversation last night. As I said above, my impression is that we have resolved to work on improving our sexual/physical intimacy.
So I think that I need to have a therapist on my side as I go through this process to offer (1) reassurance that a quality sex life is worth having (2) help me determine if it is possible to have a quality sex life with her; to offer suggestions for actions and help me evaluate how they turned out and (3) support me in going through a divorce if the conclusion is that it is not possible to have a quality sex life with my wife. She is not willing to go into couple's therapy with me, although I have asked her several times over the past couple of years. I will not ask her again. And my therapist will need to be aware of her aversion to couple's therapy.
There has to be a timeline. And a commitment to follow through with separation and divorce, if that is the case. I take encouragement from people that I know in real life and from many blogs that I have read who have successfully navigated this route.
I earned my PhD in a scientific discipline 21 years ago next month. I now need to earn my PhD in life. I suspect that my scientific PhD will prove to be the easier degree to earn.
PS - No, I didn't use the "I am gay" gambit. And I won't. Because this is not about being gay or bi or straight, but about being honest about the importance of physical/sexual intimacy to my happiness. Starting now and going forward.
We spent a good part of the time debating the process. I wanted to have this discussion at a time and place where we could talk without distractions and without our son being present. I told her that I have some things to say that I do not want to say when there is the possibility that our son may overhear us. She did not want to postpone the conversation, so we agreed to start the conversation and managed to conduct it in a kid-friendly manner. Some of the subsequent conversations will need to take place when we have more privacy.
The major conclusion is that we will work on improving the quality of our sexual interactions. This came after her stating in an email and reiterating in person that “sex has been pretty crumby, beside the pain, for quite a while”. I did communicate to her that I want the whole package - laughing in bed, laying around naked in bed, being comfortable with each other’s bodies, the whole range of sexual/physical intimacy. I made it clear that what really was bothering me was the absence of this entire package, not just the fact that we have only had sexual intercourse twice in the past three years.
As always, the devil is in the details. How are we going to improve the quality of our sexual interactions? We need to go into those details during subsequent conversations.
In subsequent conversations, I must point out to her that I do not want lousy sex on an occasional basis. I want very good, soul-satisfying sex on a regular basis. That I need to have a satisfying sexual intimacy in our relationship. Or I WILL go find it elsewhere - something that I have never said to her.
One strong impression I have is that she doesn’t understand the importance of sexual/physical intimacy in a relationship. She said that just because you love someone doesn't mean that you want to have sex with that person. This was in response to my statement that "I love you and as part of that love, I want to be sexually intimate with you". I don't know how to convince her of the important role that physical/sexual intimacy has in a loving relationship. Lots of positive reinforcement, I suppose. And keeping this subject as part of our day to day conversation, rather than avoiding it altogether, like we have been doing for at least 20 years.
She says that she is committed to the marriage relationship. Only time will tell if she is really interested in improving the quantity and quality of sexual interactions. She did say that she could “just fake it”. I will be on the watch for “mercy fucks”. I will not accept the “I’ll open up my legs, just stick it in and get it over with” type of sex.
After turning over in my mind some of the many statements that were made in the course of the conversation, I found this one particularly interesting. She said “I can show you ten women who have no interest in sex”. I think she was using this to say that, look, I am not the only woman who is not interested in sex. What I did NOT say in return, was that I have met women who are much more interested in sex than you are. What I did say is that nobody else matters except you and I.
One way to take her statement is as an implicit threat - saying that you are not going to be able to find any other women who is more interested in sex than I am. Again, only time will tell if her bluff gets called.
At the end, she said that it was good for our son to see his parents resolve a conflict. I don’t see that the conflict was actually resolved. I think that the dimensions of the conflict are beginning to become apparent. The first question I will have for her today on this subject (NO, this will NOT be the first thing that I say to her today) will be her opinion as to what was resolved in our conversation last night. As I said above, my impression is that we have resolved to work on improving our sexual/physical intimacy.
So I think that I need to have a therapist on my side as I go through this process to offer (1) reassurance that a quality sex life is worth having (2) help me determine if it is possible to have a quality sex life with her; to offer suggestions for actions and help me evaluate how they turned out and (3) support me in going through a divorce if the conclusion is that it is not possible to have a quality sex life with my wife. She is not willing to go into couple's therapy with me, although I have asked her several times over the past couple of years. I will not ask her again. And my therapist will need to be aware of her aversion to couple's therapy.
There has to be a timeline. And a commitment to follow through with separation and divorce, if that is the case. I take encouragement from people that I know in real life and from many blogs that I have read who have successfully navigated this route.
I earned my PhD in a scientific discipline 21 years ago next month. I now need to earn my PhD in life. I suspect that my scientific PhD will prove to be the easier degree to earn.
PS - No, I didn't use the "I am gay" gambit. And I won't. Because this is not about being gay or bi or straight, but about being honest about the importance of physical/sexual intimacy to my happiness. Starting now and going forward.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Seven years is a very long time
It is a bright but cold morning in the midwest. A perfect morning for walking the dogs on the trail. I selected Gordon Lightfoot for my music this morning - "Summertime Dream" on the way out and "Endless Wire" for the way back. Good music for introspection and reflection.
A brief conversation that my wife and I had on Christmas morning. Our son was up, but she was still in her PJ’s in bed, drinking her morning coffee. I came back to bed (fully clothed) and laid on top of the covers. As we chatted about various things, I said that one thing I really missed was enjoying naked time together on holiday mornings. In reply, she mentioned that we would once again have the house to ourselves after he goes off to college in a few short years. Seven years. I felt that, once again, we were talking across each other rather than really listening and communicating with each other and didn’t press the issue. In retrospect, maybe I should have.
Seven years is a very very very long time. Although as a percentage, 7 is 14% of 50 while 7 is 17.5% of 40, it strikes me that the age difference between 50 and 57 is actually much greater than the age difference between 40 and 47. The reason is, as someone else told me, that being older means that there is less of your life left. Exactly. The next 7 years is a larger fraction of my remaining years of health and vitality than when I was 40.
One thought is that I should tell my wife that I am gay. Am I gay to the extent that I wish to pursue intimate relationship(s) with men to the exclusion of such relationship(s) with women? NO. Am I interested in exploring that aspect of my sexuality? Yes, with the right person/people. Yesterday, thinking about this, I realized that I could honestly tell her that I would like to explore the possibility that I am gay, including having sex with another man. And that the only way to do that is to be able to meet and date other people openly. Which is not possible in a conventional marriage. I may use this as an opening gambit to start a serious conversation about sex and our relationship. She is perfectly ok with same-sex relationships, as she is fully supportive of her sister and her sister's long-term partner who were recently married. And my wife had a same-sex relationship for several years that ended well before we met. But, as our conversation on Christmas morning indicates, I'll have to be persistent in leading the conversation to the topic(s) that I want to talk about.
The advantage of this approach is that it takes the entire burden of her not being able to/not wanting to be sexually active with me out of the discussion. And, by placing it in the context of me wanting to explore my sexuality rather than moving out because I no longer wish to live with her, it changes the entire tenor of the discussion. And although it doesn’t change the economic fundamentals, it also gives her the freedom to move on. Are we at the same place in our relationship? No, I don’t think so. I think that she is settled and happy, for the most part, with the status quo. In my reading of other people’s stories, the two people in the relationship are rarely, if ever, in the same place with respect to the dissolution of their relationship.
When all is said and done, what is certainly true is that I profoundly and deeply miss sharing sexual touch with another person. I do not think it is possible for me to be celibate for seven years.
A brief conversation that my wife and I had on Christmas morning. Our son was up, but she was still in her PJ’s in bed, drinking her morning coffee. I came back to bed (fully clothed) and laid on top of the covers. As we chatted about various things, I said that one thing I really missed was enjoying naked time together on holiday mornings. In reply, she mentioned that we would once again have the house to ourselves after he goes off to college in a few short years. Seven years. I felt that, once again, we were talking across each other rather than really listening and communicating with each other and didn’t press the issue. In retrospect, maybe I should have.
Seven years is a very very very long time. Although as a percentage, 7 is 14% of 50 while 7 is 17.5% of 40, it strikes me that the age difference between 50 and 57 is actually much greater than the age difference between 40 and 47. The reason is, as someone else told me, that being older means that there is less of your life left. Exactly. The next 7 years is a larger fraction of my remaining years of health and vitality than when I was 40.
One thought is that I should tell my wife that I am gay. Am I gay to the extent that I wish to pursue intimate relationship(s) with men to the exclusion of such relationship(s) with women? NO. Am I interested in exploring that aspect of my sexuality? Yes, with the right person/people. Yesterday, thinking about this, I realized that I could honestly tell her that I would like to explore the possibility that I am gay, including having sex with another man. And that the only way to do that is to be able to meet and date other people openly. Which is not possible in a conventional marriage. I may use this as an opening gambit to start a serious conversation about sex and our relationship. She is perfectly ok with same-sex relationships, as she is fully supportive of her sister and her sister's long-term partner who were recently married. And my wife had a same-sex relationship for several years that ended well before we met. But, as our conversation on Christmas morning indicates, I'll have to be persistent in leading the conversation to the topic(s) that I want to talk about.
The advantage of this approach is that it takes the entire burden of her not being able to/not wanting to be sexually active with me out of the discussion. And, by placing it in the context of me wanting to explore my sexuality rather than moving out because I no longer wish to live with her, it changes the entire tenor of the discussion. And although it doesn’t change the economic fundamentals, it also gives her the freedom to move on. Are we at the same place in our relationship? No, I don’t think so. I think that she is settled and happy, for the most part, with the status quo. In my reading of other people’s stories, the two people in the relationship are rarely, if ever, in the same place with respect to the dissolution of their relationship.
When all is said and done, what is certainly true is that I profoundly and deeply miss sharing sexual touch with another person. I do not think it is possible for me to be celibate for seven years.
Friday, January 2, 2009
This is why I am still married...
I am working in my office - trying to clean it up a little bit (really, I am just putting off working on a manuscript that should have been finished three months ago).
And I see an assignment that my son did in school last year that I have taped to the door of a filing cabinet.
It has his name across the top and it titled "my dad". The text (verbatim except for my name) is:
"My dad's name is xxxx. He is not mean. He tret's me like a king I try to do the same thing. so he heps me larn and play. He love me and I love him. He is always there for me. and I'm there for him I love my dad."
I am going to put this in a safe place and pull it out when we start butting heads in his teenage years.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Enough resolutions to last an entire year
There are only two kinds of people when it comes to New Year's resolutions: Those that do and those that don't. I am definitely in the former category. I realize that, in the end, our imperfections always trump even the best of our intentions (my parents would be so proud - those weekly catechism classes and Bible classes at John Calvin's knee were not a complete waste after all). Despite the time constraints imposed by the first annual Hermit Crab Festival, I have produced a list, broken down by life category, major themes and specific aims.
In 2009, I will:
(1) ...exercise my brain. I will spend more time listening to classical music. I will read one real book a month. I will write one blog post per week.
(2) ...love my body. I will workout at the gym three times a week. I will go to yoga class once a week. I will get some form of aerobic exercise on the weekend. I will exercise my smiling muscles.
(3) ...become financially independent. I will keep household expenses under control. I will enlist my wife in this effort, as she needs to keep her spending under control. I will nix any unnecessary spending. I will reduce our debt (mortgage and auto loans) so that we are debt free in three years. I will increase contributions to my retirement plan.
(4) ...put MY science first. I will spend time in the lab - doing experiments and talking to people instead of holed up in my office doing paperwork. I will actually read journals before I toss them onto the discard pile. I will not over commit myself and I will follow up on commitments that I do make - sooner rather than later. I will keep a heavy finger on the delete button of my university email inbox. I will keep my office and lab organized to my liking.
(5) ...eliminate clutter at home. I will keep the house clean and organized. I will give the dogs a good walk in the morning. I will clean out the garage.
(6) ...be a father to my son. I will play with him every day. I will continue to provide an environment that is conducive to his physical growth, personal development and intellectual maturation. I will not lose my temper and, if I do, I will apologize immediately.
(7) ...determine if I should stay married. The unanswered status of this question has begun to impair other aspects of my life. Am I staying in this relationship because I am supposed to, because I am needed? Am I staying because this is what I really want to do? I will look for a competent therapist to help me answer this question.
OK - there you go. Check back next year to see how I did.
In 2009, I will:
(1) ...exercise my brain. I will spend more time listening to classical music. I will read one real book a month. I will write one blog post per week.
(2) ...love my body. I will workout at the gym three times a week. I will go to yoga class once a week. I will get some form of aerobic exercise on the weekend. I will exercise my smiling muscles.
(3) ...become financially independent. I will keep household expenses under control. I will enlist my wife in this effort, as she needs to keep her spending under control. I will nix any unnecessary spending. I will reduce our debt (mortgage and auto loans) so that we are debt free in three years. I will increase contributions to my retirement plan.
(4) ...put MY science first. I will spend time in the lab - doing experiments and talking to people instead of holed up in my office doing paperwork. I will actually read journals before I toss them onto the discard pile. I will not over commit myself and I will follow up on commitments that I do make - sooner rather than later. I will keep a heavy finger on the delete button of my university email inbox. I will keep my office and lab organized to my liking.
(5) ...eliminate clutter at home. I will keep the house clean and organized. I will give the dogs a good walk in the morning. I will clean out the garage.
(6) ...be a father to my son. I will play with him every day. I will continue to provide an environment that is conducive to his physical growth, personal development and intellectual maturation. I will not lose my temper and, if I do, I will apologize immediately.
(7) ...determine if I should stay married. The unanswered status of this question has begun to impair other aspects of my life. Am I staying in this relationship because I am supposed to, because I am needed? Am I staying because this is what I really want to do? I will look for a competent therapist to help me answer this question.
OK - there you go. Check back next year to see how I did.
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