First, some background. My son is adopted. Although it was a closed adoption, we know a few things about his birth family - age, racial background and that his birth mom has a daughter (not by his birth father) who is about two years older than he is. As he has gotten older, we have answered his questions about his birth origin with honesty and love. He appears to be well-adjusted to the fact that he is adopted, with both an immediate family and extended family who love him deeply. Knowing that he has a birth mom and dad has not been a factor in any behavioral situation. Until now.
One day last week, he stayed home for a “snow” day. Not because his school was closed - the inch of snow that we had gotten overnight was not enough to close the schools, but because he had been really hoping for a snow day. His mom had canceled her class in anticipation of more snow and was planning on being home all day. So we were willing to let him stay home, with the proviso that he finish all of his weekly homework.
I asked him about his homework when I got home. He and I quickly got into a verbal tussle. He didn’t want his attention to be taken from the TV show that he was watching. My wife said that he was fine until I got home. I commented to her that, in general, his behavior is pretty good with just one of us, but that he tends to become difficult when both of us are home. So she said to him "Do you want mom and dad split up? Would you behave better?” His behavior became more reasonable, we ate dinner and made our way to hockey practice.
It was a short hockey practice for him. I had tied his skates too tight and the skin on his ankle bone was sore because it was rubbing against his skate. So he came off the ice, changed clothes and we went home. On the way home, he started talking about seeking out his birth family and about going to live with them. I didn’t understand where this was coming from until he referred back to the comment from my wife earlier in the evening, asking the question “What will happen to me?” He was very upset, crying, yelling, pushing away any attempt by me to comfort him during the 30-minute drive home. After getting home, he finally calmed down, with a great deal of reassurance from both of us, including my wife saying that the "split up" comment was a joke. The last thing he said before going to sleep, with a smile on his face, as that he was going to write a letter to his birth mom.
The next day was back to school and into the routine. Neither the quest to find his birth family nor his fear about his home being split up have surfaced.
To me, this was a stark reminder of how much pain he would experience if (when) my wife and I were to separate and divorce. Yes, I know that kids are resilient. And that what matters is how the divorce is handled and the subsequent involvement of both parents in the lives of their children. But I don’t think that he is ready. And I am not sure that I am, either.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
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8 comments:
N talks a lot about his birth family and wanting to meet them. He also loves to throw it in my face when he's mad at me that his birth family would take so much better care of him than his father and I do. It hurts. It's a stabbing pain deep in the chest when he says that.
I have no words of wisdom for you, but I do understand. I understand so very well.
The more I think about asking a child "Do you want mom and dad split up? Would you behave better?” the more sadistic I'm finding the question.
To Trueself: I think children have a way of zeroing in on what will really wound their parents, and using those things against them when they're angry. Of course your son's birth parents would NOT take any better care of him than you do. But you're sensitive about the subject, so he uses it to hurt you. I don't know how parents endure all their children put them through.
Trueself - thank you for understanding. I would be interested in hearing, if you are willing to share (privately, perhaps) how N has dealt with the separation and eventual divorce of his parents.
Anais - Thank you. I hadn't thought about that. But I do reluctantly agree that there is a measure of sadism in that question. Reluctantly, because no one likes to admit that their spouse has an ability or desire to inflict unnecessary pain on those that he/she loves. Given this instance and your observation, I will be on the lookout for this type of behavior.
Ugh, ugh, ugh (sorry, nothing eloquent comes to mind; I'm just feeling bad for you, your son, & the whole incident...)
Anais is spot-on about going straight for the jugular, so to speak: I'm not the least bit proud of the couple of occasions when I have completely lost my shit w/Z & threatened to send him to go live w/his dad... I said it, of course, simply bcz I knew it would hurt him, but also STOP the tantrum/power struggle we were enmeshed in...
You wife has set your son up to believe that everything is his fault, should your marriage fail. What she said to him was cruel.
As for kids, they're always better one on one, they can play one parent off the other when two parents are present.
Val - I, too, have said and done things that I regret in order to STOP the power struggle. A useful observation from my therapist was that best way for a parent to deal with these power struggles is to NOT become engaged in the power struggle in the first place. Good advice, hard to follow, but I am trying.
Deb - Yes, it was cruel. And I know that this comment came from issues of her own childhood. But that's no excuse.
6D - I would be happy to share with you. I didn't see your email address on your blog (forgive me if it is just old age or idiocy on my part, both of which are distinct possibilities) so if you'll just email me at mytruself at gmail dot com we can get the conversation started!
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