Trust (or, rather, lack thereof)

My wife and I have issues beyond the lack of sex. I suspect that a marital therapist would say that these other issues are the more important ones. And they are most likely right.

One is TRUST.

This issue came up yesterday. My son and I took our new addition to the vet for an appointment with Dr. T to determine if he was healthy enough to be neutered, which involves anesthesia. One concern of ours was a slight elevation in liver enzymes that had been noted when we first brought him in. As he was a stray with no history when we brought him in, this had been attributed to an infectious microorganism, of which there are many that a dog might encounter when wandering through the woods. At the time, he was put on an antibiotic and is nearly finished with the course of treatment.

We have been going to the same husband and wife vet team for almost 20 years and trust them explicitly with the health of our cohabitating critters.

I talked with Dr. T about his health. She asked about his urination habits and bowel movements. He had not lost or gained any weight in the past three weeks and has been very active and alert in his appearance. She said that her main concern for surgery and anesthesia was his heart - so she listened carefully to his heart. The dog also has a lump on one leg and we decided that the lump would also be removed when he was under anesthesia for the neutering procedure. We talked about doing more extensive tests to assess his health, but decided together that it was not worth it. After the examination and conversation, Dr. T was satisfied that the dog is healthy and capable of surviving an anesthetic/surgical procedure with no anticipated difficulties. We scheduled it about ten days off, at least a week after the end of the antibiotic treatment he is on now.

When we got home, my wife asked what Dr. T said. I started to relate what Dr. T did and what we talked about, when she interrupted me and asked about the blood work. But there was no blood work done, as Dr. T didn’t think it was necessary. I said that Dr. T’s main concern was his heart - that she listened carefully to his heart and reached the conclusion that he was good to go for surgery.

That did not satisfy her. She asked me why I didn’t insist on having blood work done. I said because Dr. T didn’t think that it was needed. That she made the assessment as to suitability for surgery based on listening to his heart. Again, she wanted to know why I didn’t insist on having it done. At one point, she said that she didn’t care about what Dr. T said, but that she wanted to know what I was thinking, why didn’t I insist on having the liver function examined. Recognizing that one of my buttons was being pushed, I calmly said that this was not about what I was thinking, but about Dr. T determining if our dog is ok for surgery. And if she had any questions, then she should call Dr. T herself.

So she called the office, left a message and talked to Dr. T a couple of hours later. The gist of the conversation between my wife and Dr. T was essentially the same as between Dr. T and myself. That the main concern was heart function. That the elevated liver enzymes were not a concern and that the antibiotic treatment was addressing that anyway. That we talked about doing more tests, but concluded that additional tests were not likely to be of value at this time. That conversation apparently addressed my wife’s concerns.

So why do I believe this is lack of TRUST? Rather than assuming that I was capable of working with the vet to make the decision about surgery, and instead of listening to what I said about Dr. T’s major concern and how that was addressed, my wife turned the conversation around to an examination of why I did not push the issue of bloodwork to check for liver problems. As her subsequent conversation with Dr. T showed, the issue was heart function, not liver function.

This is typical of many of our interactions. Rather than believe that I carried out some responsibility with all due care and thought, rather than listening to what I say and considering it, she quickly challenges my account of the situation. Rather than get drawn into a heated discussion of "why didn't you" recriminations, the best recourse I have found is to invite her to gather the information for herself. Invariably, hearing the same information from another person will mollify her. And life goes on.

I have reached the point where I don't care.