Phone message (mis)etiquette

My wife and I had a minor issue today with respect to my lack of response to a phone message from her. This particular incident is a minor one, but is illustrative of our larger communication issues.

First, some background. It was a choir morning today. Which meant that I started waking my son up at 6:30 so that we could leave by 7:30. I started to wake him up, then took the dogs outside for a pee break, then came back in - fed him, fed the cats and cleaned up the kitchen, got his snack and water ready, got him dressed, out the door and drove him to school. He was a little bit cranky because he is always cold and cranky in the morning. We left on time and he got to school on time in a good mood.

I came back home, took the dogs for a walk, shaved my face, made sure that the kitchen was cleaned up and then left for the university. My wife was still sleeping when I left.

I got to my office a bit after 9 and left at 10 to return some graded exams and spent 90 minutes talking to a colleague. Came back to my building in time for a noon meeting. Stopped in my office and there was a message from my wife - nice, pleasant, “just hoped things went ok this morning, love you, bye”. She was on her cell phone, so I inferred that she was on her way to a meeting. I didn’t return it because I didn’t think that a return call was either wanted or needed. And I had a meeting at noon, which I had to zoom out of early because I had gotten a surprise email about Challenge Club lunch at my son's school (meaning that the parents can join their child for lunch in recognition of having turned in all the homework for the month). And there was the usual bucket full of emails to respond to.

Came back from my son's school, had a meeting at 3:00, then went back to my office. She had called again and left a message about a “check engine” light going on in her car. And there was a second garbled message from my son. I called home - to be sure that they got home ok - which they had. My son answered and explained his message - which was for me to pick up a particular type of notebook for him on the way home. So I did. It only took an extra five minutes. And I got home well before my wife had to leave for her class.

The first thing she said to me when I got home, in a sarcastic tone of voice, was “I’m glad that you were able to do that [pick up the notebook] even though you were not able to return my phone call”. OK - here she goes - pushing at my buttons again. I explained to her that the reason I called home was to return her second message. That wasn’t good enough. She had expected a return phone call from me in response to her first message. And she went on to say that she felt foolish about leaving her phone on during the day because she was expecting a return call.

Analysis: She did make an effort to reach out to me. Which was not reciprocated, because I did not return her phone call. And now she feels rejected because I didn’t respond. And she is hurt, disappointed and even angry (because I could do something for my son but not for her). From her point of view, it does not matter why I did not respond to her first phone message, only that I did not. In my defense, there was not a clear request to return her call, there was no sense on my part that this was an important phone call and I was quite busy today.

What I should do is renew my efforts to be sensitive to her approaches for communication and interaction. And respond in kind, with my own attempts to initiate communication and interactions.

At the moment, I don’t see any reason why I should. I don’t see where such attempts will lead. I feel that we have been stuck in a negative feedback cycle for a long time, in which any failure to reciprocate is perceived as a indifference or, even worse, purposeful rejection, regardless of the circumstances. For my part, I am focusing on being objective and observing our interactions without imputing any particular motivation to her actions.

I have little confidence that any effort on my part will get us out of the current negative spiral and into a positive feedback cycle.

Gottman talks about this in the context of “attribution”. How couples in love with each other will excuse or overlook mistakes and errors made by their significant other. In contrast, when a couple is on the proverbial thin ice, there is a tendency for negative attribution - to attribute negative intent to neutral, or even positive, acts. In the vernacular, this is sometimes referred to as “giving someone the benefit of the doubt”. For my part, I try very hard to give everyone that I deal with “the benefit of the doubt”. To be frank, it has been a very long time since I felt that I was given the benefit of the doubt by her.

Hockey season is almost over. Time to put those skates away? Or should I venture out on the ice again?