Crossroads

I feel that I am approaching a crossroad or a fork in the road. A choice between two or three options. I am not there, yet. But, like deciding which lane to be in on a highway as a series of exits are approaching, the time at which any decision will be irrevocable is approaching.

This past Sunday, after getting nowhere with an attempt on my part to resume the “bones to pick” conversation, she mentioned the possibility of an out-on-the-town event to go to on March 20. Adults only. And then Monday, after forgetting her workout clothes at home, she called me about getting a cup of coffee together before she went to pick up our son from school. Both of these situations smack of an attempt on her part to “do things” together. Yesterday, over coffee, we talked about her class and about the possibility of her developing a more substantial teaching career - first doing more single classes and then maybe even a part-time faculty appointment. We also talked about university stuff in general terms and about my teaching responsibilities. The conversations were ok, even good, but pretty much on the surface.

Is this the life that I want to lead?

By this life - I mean: Leave my office at an early hour to get home so she can go off to teach her class; walk the dogs, then play with or do homework with my son and a do a bit of email catchup or waste time with internet browsing; warm up dinner/make dinner/eat/clean up; do a bit more of email or internet browsing; head our son off to bed and go to bed myself; get up, drink coffee, have some quiet moments and then get my son up, walk the dogs and head off to his school and the university.

The weekend routine is different, but still routine: On the weekends: Spend Saturday home with my son - play with him, clean house, do loads of laundry, maybe do a little work (writing or reading or email catchup) as he plays or watches TV. My wife is out for most of Saturday with a class or two, gym and grocery shopping. On Sunday, I do more housecleaning, dog trail walk, play with my son, while she talks to her mom and sisters on the phone and does a little bit of cleaning and/or cooking. On the weekends, I do some of the meal preparations and all of the clean up.

What do I get out of this life? Mostly positive interactions with my son and the satisfaction of watching him grow up.

What is missing? A sense that my time is my own. Time to spend on things that I want to do. And, not the least, the sense of a strong connection with my wife, on the emotional level, on a conversational level, as well as complete absence of a sexual/physical connection.

Good news from earlier this week: my son did very well on his District Reading Assessment proficiency test - best in his class, he said. He is a good reader, when he settles down to read. And he is smart in his ability to figure out what is going on, when he is able to focus, is not frustrated and doesn’t feel like he wants to be doing something else that is running through his brain. And he has done well with focusing in his homework lately - which is typically done after I get home and my wife leaves for her class. Great job with simple division and with spelling. And I like the creative way that he is making up websites. He has a strong creative expressive streak that needs to be nurtured and developed.

The cross roads that are approaching: The choices of what lane to be in:

Lane 1: Muddle through this life - staying married, doing the best I can to keep it all together - home, house, finances, my son, work. Continue the asexual/dysfunctional relationship with my wife. Get my son off to college and then reconsider my options at the age of 58.

Lane 2: Give myself three years to become financially able to move out. Be highly focused on debt reduction, reducing expenditures. And on your science and physical fitness. Do not push for any substantive changes in the relationship with my wife. Then move out and establish my own life.

Lane 3: Decide that I can not live in a relationship without sexual/physical intimacy. Move out in six months to my own apartment. Focus on my work, physical fitness, finances, damage repair to my relationship with my son, and building my own life.

Yeah, I know - sounds like I am going in circles instead of making forward progress. Such is life.