It is a bright but cold morning in the midwest. A perfect morning for walking the dogs on the trail. I selected Gordon Lightfoot for my music this morning - "Summertime Dream" on the way out and "Endless Wire" for the way back. Good music for introspection and reflection.
A brief conversation that my wife and I had on Christmas morning. Our son was up, but she was still in her PJ’s in bed, drinking her morning coffee. I came back to bed (fully clothed) and laid on top of the covers. As we chatted about various things, I said that one thing I really missed was enjoying naked time together on holiday mornings. In reply, she mentioned that we would once again have the house to ourselves after he goes off to college in a few short years. Seven years. I felt that, once again, we were talking across each other rather than really listening and communicating with each other and didn’t press the issue. In retrospect, maybe I should have.
Seven years is a very very very long time. Although as a percentage, 7 is 14% of 50 while 7 is 17.5% of 40, it strikes me that the age difference between 50 and 57 is actually much greater than the age difference between 40 and 47. The reason is, as someone else told me, that being older means that there is less of your life left. Exactly. The next 7 years is a larger fraction of my remaining years of health and vitality than when I was 40.
One thought is that I should tell my wife that I am gay. Am I gay to the extent that I wish to pursue intimate relationship(s) with men to the exclusion of such relationship(s) with women? NO. Am I interested in exploring that aspect of my sexuality? Yes, with the right person/people. Yesterday, thinking about this, I realized that I could honestly tell her that I would like to explore the possibility that I am gay, including having sex with another man. And that the only way to do that is to be able to meet and date other people openly. Which is not possible in a conventional marriage. I may use this as an opening gambit to start a serious conversation about sex and our relationship. She is perfectly ok with same-sex relationships, as she is fully supportive of her sister and her sister's long-term partner who were recently married. And my wife had a same-sex relationship for several years that ended well before we met. But, as our conversation on Christmas morning indicates, I'll have to be persistent in leading the conversation to the topic(s) that I want to talk about.
The advantage of this approach is that it takes the entire burden of her not being able to/not wanting to be sexually active with me out of the discussion. And, by placing it in the context of me wanting to explore my sexuality rather than moving out because I no longer wish to live with her, it changes the entire tenor of the discussion. And although it doesn’t change the economic fundamentals, it also gives her the freedom to move on. Are we at the same place in our relationship? No, I don’t think so. I think that she is settled and happy, for the most part, with the status quo. In my reading of other people’s stories, the two people in the relationship are rarely, if ever, in the same place with respect to the dissolution of their relationship.
When all is said and done, what is certainly true is that I profoundly and deeply miss sharing sexual touch with another person. I do not think it is possible for me to be celibate for seven years.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
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5 comments:
Bravo.
Trust me, don't stay celibate for seven years, even if you're doing it for the sake of your child, like I did with mine. In the end, it really didn't matter I found out, my daughter knew something wasn't right between her parents anyway, and I don't think her life would have ended up much different had we split up earlier, even with my wife's death. Of course there is no way to prove that theory either...
But I like your way of thinking here Six, a way I never thought of back when I was still married to my wife.
From my experience with my husband, the, "It's me, not you", gambit worked to an extent. In fact, it was one of the strategies suggested when dealing with a 'controlling person'.
I'm going to make an attempt to air my thoughts regarding these conversations between you and your wife. I always come away feeling as if your conversations never really go beyond the surface.
I sense you've had years of practice at not delving deeper if she shows no signs of wishing too.
During my marriage I tried to break through so many times. In over 29 years of living together I can only recall four separate occasions when it worked, and each time took major effort, as well as time. It took allowing no interruptions until we felt we had reached a place in which we understood the other better. Of course as you know my marriage still did not work out. Maybe if we had continued those "real" conversations it might have stood a better chance of lasting.
In another more recent relationship, we came to the same sort of place...needing a way to fully express our (often left unsaid, or misunderstood) thoughts, feelings, dreams, and wishes. We accomplished that very thing by both of us being willing to take a step away from our comfort zones. It wasn't easy, but so worth it. The relationship work is not done, far from it, but, I also feel we crossed barriers during that one long hard beautiful night, barriers that would never have been crossed if we hadn't locked ourselves away from the world, and opened ourselves up to each other.
Anyway, my way of sayin', "you're right". What you describe is no way to "live" a marriage for the next 7 years. Or if you are gonna live it, then get some honesty out there, somehow, someway.
Also, I know myself well enough to know that unless there were a health reason why I had to be celibate, there's no way I would/could be. Sexual and emotional intimacy/loving, the warmth of another's body next to mine are a necessity of life as far as I'm concerned.
Oh my - somehow I've got to break this habit of sneaking peeks @ blogs at work...
This brought tears to my eyes, even though these past seven yrs of MY life seem to have passed in a proverbial eyeblink! Maybe it's just looking ahead that makes it seem unconscionably long?
Anias - thank you.
Fusion - I appreciate your perspective very much. Although we peacefully coexist for the most part, our son does have behavioral issues. And I wonder how much the absence of obvious affection between us contributes to his behavior. Like you say, there is no way to prove that theory, as life is not a reproducible experiment.
Sunny - I do have years of practice at not pushing past comfort zones. Both hers and mine. We have had a few conversations where I did push forward on the topic of sex, but not hard enough to get through her defenses. The last one was several years ago. It is time to start this conversation again, as you and others have urged me to do. A complicating factor in our situation is her health issues, as I will explain in a later post.
Val - kinda like peering through the wrong end of binoculars, isn't it. Thank you for understanding.
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