THE CONVERSATION - TAKE 1

My wife and I started to have THE CONVERSATION yesterday. The conversation about the role of physical/sexual intimacy in our relationship. We covered some important ground in this conversation, though none of it very deeply. So, this morning, I am sorting through where this conversation leaves us.

We spent a good part of the time debating the process. I wanted to have this discussion at a time and place where we could talk without distractions and without our son being present. I told her that I have some things to say that I do not want to say when there is the possibility that our son may overhear us. She did not want to postpone the conversation, so we agreed to start the conversation and managed to conduct it in a kid-friendly manner. Some of the subsequent conversations will need to take place when we have more privacy.

The major conclusion is that we will work on improving the quality of our sexual interactions. This came after her stating in an email and reiterating in person that “sex has been pretty crumby, beside the pain, for quite a while”. I did communicate to her that I want the whole package - laughing in bed, laying around naked in bed, being comfortable with each other’s bodies, the whole range of sexual/physical intimacy. I made it clear that what really was bothering me was the absence of this entire package, not just the fact that we have only had sexual intercourse twice in the past three years.

As always, the devil is in the details. How are we going to improve the quality of our sexual interactions? We need to go into those details during subsequent conversations.

In subsequent conversations, I must point out to her that I do not want lousy sex on an occasional basis. I want very good, soul-satisfying sex on a regular basis. That I need to have a satisfying sexual intimacy in our relationship. Or I WILL go find it elsewhere - something that I have never said to her.

One strong impression I have is that she doesn’t understand the importance of sexual/physical intimacy in a relationship. She said that just because you love someone doesn't mean that you want to have sex with that person. This was in response to my statement that "I love you and as part of that love, I want to be sexually intimate with you". I don't know how to convince her of the important role that physical/sexual intimacy has in a loving relationship. Lots of positive reinforcement, I suppose. And keeping this subject as part of our day to day conversation, rather than avoiding it altogether, like we have been doing for at least 20 years.

She says that she is committed to the marriage relationship. Only time will tell if she is really interested in improving the quantity and quality of sexual interactions. She did say that she could “just fake it”. I will be on the watch for “mercy fucks”. I will not accept the “I’ll open up my legs, just stick it in and get it over with” type of sex.

After turning over in my mind some of the many statements that were made in the course of the conversation, I found this one particularly interesting. She said “I can show you ten women who have no interest in sex”. I think she was using this to say that, look, I am not the only woman who is not interested in sex. What I did NOT say in return, was that I have met women who are much more interested in sex than you are. What I did say is that nobody else matters except you and I.

One way to take her statement is as an implicit threat - saying that you are not going to be able to find any other women who is more interested in sex than I am. Again, only time will tell if her bluff gets called.

At the end, she said that it was good for our son to see his parents resolve a conflict. I don’t see that the conflict was actually resolved. I think that the dimensions of the conflict are beginning to become apparent. The first question I will have for her today on this subject (NO, this will NOT be the first thing that I say to her today) will be her opinion as to what was resolved in our conversation last night. As I said above, my impression is that we have resolved to work on improving our sexual/physical intimacy.

So I think that I need to have a therapist on my side as I go through this process to offer (1) reassurance that a quality sex life is worth having (2) help me determine if it is possible to have a quality sex life with her; to offer suggestions for actions and help me evaluate how they turned out and (3) support me in going through a divorce if the conclusion is that it is not possible to have a quality sex life with my wife. She is not willing to go into couple's therapy with me, although I have asked her several times over the past couple of years. I will not ask her again. And my therapist will need to be aware of her aversion to couple's therapy.

There has to be a timeline. And a commitment to follow through with separation and divorce, if that is the case. I take encouragement from people that I know in real life and from many blogs that I have read who have successfully navigated this route.

I earned my PhD in a scientific discipline 21 years ago next month. I now need to earn my PhD in life. I suspect that my scientific PhD will prove to be the easier degree to earn.

PS - No, I didn't use the "I am gay" gambit. And I won't. Because this is not about being gay or bi or straight, but about being honest about the importance of physical/sexual intimacy to my happiness. Starting now and going forward.