There is nothing quite like a freshly prepared baseball field laying in wait for the first game of the season. The weather was perfect, the early evening sun was bright and all the kids had just gotten their team T-shirts and hats. Opening day at the little league ballpark.
This is the first year of my son in the "kid pitch" league. He has played with essentially the same group of kids for the past two years in the "coach pitch" league. So this was the first time that they really played a game by themselves - no adults on the field telling them what to do, no coach-thrown pitches perfectly aimed for each kid's individual swing. The first time that balls and strikes really counted. The first time that "you're out" really means that you are out.
They did really well! OK - they lost (if you insist on keeping score), but they still played very well. Ground balls were fielded successfully and thrown to first base for the out. A pop-fly was tucked away for the out. A ball was hit into the outfield and the shortstop went out to take the cut-off relay from the outfielder. Lot's of walks, for both teams. But more than a few bats came off the shoulder and connected with the ball - or not. At least they struck out swinging - not backing away from the plate for fear of being hit. All in all - a very good game!
And now I get to brag about my son. He pitched the third inning and completed it just before the game was called on account of time. His pitches were, for the most part, hittable. No wild pitches, no short-hop pitches that hit the dirt in front of home plate. He threw 10 pitches, which resulted in four batted balls and three put-outs - one of which was his. In contrast, the starting pitcher for his team walked a lot of batters, reaching the maximum of five runs allowed for both of the innings he pitched.
Going into this game, I was a little worried. He didn't go to practice on Sunday and our play/practice on Monday was cut short by his pain when he missed a return throw from me and the ball hit him on his shin and by his frustration at not being able to hit the pitches I was throwing to him. But it all came together for him yesterday.
To celebrate, we went out for pizza and he ate an entire small pepperoni pizza. Life is good.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Year in review
And now for a different kind of post.
The majority of my posts have related bits and pieces of my interactions with my son and my wife. I have revealed little of what I actually do, in large part because we live in the age of google. I have no desire to have this become a public forum. But, as my working life occupies a good portion of my time and energy, I am going to experiment with revealing some of what is going on w/r/t my work.
So I am an academic scientist. The particular discipline to which I contribute my frequent and brilliant insights is not relevant - TMI. Although academic scientists have a considerable amount of freedom in terms of selecting a particular field of study and in determining what they do on a day-to-day basis, there is an administrative hierarchy that provides some level of oversight and structure to the university. As part of this process, faculty members at our university have to write an annual report on what they accomplished during the past year. These reports are usually reviewed by a departmental committee and by the department chair or division director, followed by a brief conversation between the chair and faculty member about past accomplishments, current projects and future plans.
Our annual raises are determined, in part, by the facts and figures revealed in the annual report. In my case, my annual raises have been meager, despite the fact that my research output puts me in the top quartile of my colleagues, I spend more time teaching than other colleagues who have equally active research programs and I devote a considerable effort to service at multiple levels inside and outside the university. To put it bluntly, my efforts are not recognized and rewarded by my departmental chair.
Familiarity breeds contempt, goes the saying. So how shall I go about getting recognized and rewarded? One approach is to have an offer in hand from another institution and play the "put up or shut up" game. Of course, this is can not just be a bluff.
Note that one of my "revolutions" was to find a new job. But before I start sending off a flurry of job applications, I have some stuff that I need to process. Like - do I want to move up the academic hierarchy and become a chair? Do I just want to continue with research and teaching, but in a different place? Do I want to stay in academia or try to market my skills and knowledge to the industrial sector? Do I want to give up the relative freedom to explore new and exciting intellectual endeavors and the relative job security that comes with tenure for the promise of a better salary/benefit package that may prove to be short lived due to global dynamics? Will this be beneficial or detrimental to my family and its future?
Comments welcome.
The majority of my posts have related bits and pieces of my interactions with my son and my wife. I have revealed little of what I actually do, in large part because we live in the age of google. I have no desire to have this become a public forum. But, as my working life occupies a good portion of my time and energy, I am going to experiment with revealing some of what is going on w/r/t my work.
So I am an academic scientist. The particular discipline to which I contribute my frequent and brilliant insights is not relevant - TMI. Although academic scientists have a considerable amount of freedom in terms of selecting a particular field of study and in determining what they do on a day-to-day basis, there is an administrative hierarchy that provides some level of oversight and structure to the university. As part of this process, faculty members at our university have to write an annual report on what they accomplished during the past year. These reports are usually reviewed by a departmental committee and by the department chair or division director, followed by a brief conversation between the chair and faculty member about past accomplishments, current projects and future plans.
Our annual raises are determined, in part, by the facts and figures revealed in the annual report. In my case, my annual raises have been meager, despite the fact that my research output puts me in the top quartile of my colleagues, I spend more time teaching than other colleagues who have equally active research programs and I devote a considerable effort to service at multiple levels inside and outside the university. To put it bluntly, my efforts are not recognized and rewarded by my departmental chair.
Familiarity breeds contempt, goes the saying. So how shall I go about getting recognized and rewarded? One approach is to have an offer in hand from another institution and play the "put up or shut up" game. Of course, this is can not just be a bluff.
Note that one of my "revolutions" was to find a new job. But before I start sending off a flurry of job applications, I have some stuff that I need to process. Like - do I want to move up the academic hierarchy and become a chair? Do I just want to continue with research and teaching, but in a different place? Do I want to stay in academia or try to market my skills and knowledge to the industrial sector? Do I want to give up the relative freedom to explore new and exciting intellectual endeavors and the relative job security that comes with tenure for the promise of a better salary/benefit package that may prove to be short lived due to global dynamics? Will this be beneficial or detrimental to my family and its future?
Comments welcome.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Conversation with my sister-in-law
One of my wife's sisters called the other evening to talk to my wife, who was not home. We started talking - about birthdays first, as both my SIL and I have just turned 50. I said that turning 50 had been a time of reflection for me, in which the realization of the passing of time and missed opportunities for experience was particularly acute. She pressed the issue and instead of giving the stock "I'm fine, we're fine" response, I told her that while my wife and I had mastered the art of "peaceful coexistence", I was very unhappy with the absence of sexual interactions with my wife.
She asked me what I was going to do about it. My SIL shared with me that fact that she had made up her mind to leave her husband and live her own life as soon as her kids were grown up. And she did - when her youngest was a freshman in college, she had a brief affair, moved out, entered the workforce, and became an independent person for the first time in her life. It has not been easy for her, but she is much happier now.
I told her that I could not see divorcing my wife while my son is still young. Yes, I have given that a lot of thought over the past few weeks. Every indication is that my son NEEDS a stable two-parent household for his growth and development. Hence my emphasis on peaceful co-existence.
It was nice to be able to share aspects of my wife's behavior with another person who knows her quite well. My SIL and my wife lived together for a couple of years before I met my wife. The low libido status of my wife was not a surprise to my SIL. It is not that my wife had difficulty with orgasms during sex. Quite the contrary. Yet her overall enthusiasm for sexual activity, in both frequency and variety, has always been low. Both my SIL and I are puzzled over the persistence of my wife's low libido. My SIL assures me that this is NOT a family trait.
She also commented that my wife's tendency to leave piles of stuff laying around drove her crazy when they lived together. Clutter anyone?
We also talked about how my wife and I deal with the absence of sexual interactions. Not only do we not have sex, but we don't talk about it. Very much a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. I don't ask and she doesn't tell. We have been to therapy together, briefly, several years ago. That didn't last because my wife was "too busy" to schedule joint counseling sessions. And in the past two years, my few attempts at bringing the subject up have gone nowhere. Since the knee-jerk response is "communication", let me relate our few attempts at communication on this topic over the past year.
A brief background: My wife has had some inflammation of her internal organs over the past few years. Finally, after going round and round with a number of specialists and different tests, she began a pharmacological regime about three months ago that seems to be addressing the problem.
Back to "communication". Not only do we not have sex, but we don't talk about it. Two weeks before my birthday, I asked her if she was interested in resuming sexual interactions. She was visibly embarrassed, but said yes, but only if it is not painful. I expressed my own concern to not cause her pain and let the conversation drop. About 10 days later, she was talking about buying stuff for my birthday and I said, jokingly, you don't have to BUY me anything as I reached out to her with my arms to give her a hug. She knew what I was talking about, as she visibly stiffened and gave me a "here you go again" look. End of conversation. Sum total of conversations on the topic of sex over the past two years: Two.
I would appreciate advice on where to go from here. I could push counseling or conversations or even, as the inflammation issue continues to improve, for resuming sexual interactions. Or simply continue with the theme of peaceful coexistence.
She asked me what I was going to do about it. My SIL shared with me that fact that she had made up her mind to leave her husband and live her own life as soon as her kids were grown up. And she did - when her youngest was a freshman in college, she had a brief affair, moved out, entered the workforce, and became an independent person for the first time in her life. It has not been easy for her, but she is much happier now.
I told her that I could not see divorcing my wife while my son is still young. Yes, I have given that a lot of thought over the past few weeks. Every indication is that my son NEEDS a stable two-parent household for his growth and development. Hence my emphasis on peaceful co-existence.
It was nice to be able to share aspects of my wife's behavior with another person who knows her quite well. My SIL and my wife lived together for a couple of years before I met my wife. The low libido status of my wife was not a surprise to my SIL. It is not that my wife had difficulty with orgasms during sex. Quite the contrary. Yet her overall enthusiasm for sexual activity, in both frequency and variety, has always been low. Both my SIL and I are puzzled over the persistence of my wife's low libido. My SIL assures me that this is NOT a family trait.
She also commented that my wife's tendency to leave piles of stuff laying around drove her crazy when they lived together. Clutter anyone?
We also talked about how my wife and I deal with the absence of sexual interactions. Not only do we not have sex, but we don't talk about it. Very much a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. I don't ask and she doesn't tell. We have been to therapy together, briefly, several years ago. That didn't last because my wife was "too busy" to schedule joint counseling sessions. And in the past two years, my few attempts at bringing the subject up have gone nowhere. Since the knee-jerk response is "communication", let me relate our few attempts at communication on this topic over the past year.
A brief background: My wife has had some inflammation of her internal organs over the past few years. Finally, after going round and round with a number of specialists and different tests, she began a pharmacological regime about three months ago that seems to be addressing the problem.
Back to "communication". Not only do we not have sex, but we don't talk about it. Two weeks before my birthday, I asked her if she was interested in resuming sexual interactions. She was visibly embarrassed, but said yes, but only if it is not painful. I expressed my own concern to not cause her pain and let the conversation drop. About 10 days later, she was talking about buying stuff for my birthday and I said, jokingly, you don't have to BUY me anything as I reached out to her with my arms to give her a hug. She knew what I was talking about, as she visibly stiffened and gave me a "here you go again" look. End of conversation. Sum total of conversations on the topic of sex over the past two years: Two.
I would appreciate advice on where to go from here. I could push counseling or conversations or even, as the inflammation issue continues to improve, for resuming sexual interactions. Or simply continue with the theme of peaceful coexistence.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Rising to the bait
I have had a busy three weeks but now, on a quiet Saturday morning, with my wife and son still fast asleep, I have some time alone. To think, read and drink coffee. Having been "nudged" by a fellow blogger, here are some thoughts and reflections.
I re-learned something about my wife last night. About how she can, with intent, push my buttons. And I learned something about myself - about how not to allow her to push my buttons. And something deeper - about regaining control over my own life.
There is a particular dynamic to our relationship, relating to control over time management. This dynamic started way back in graduate school - when I absolutely fell in love with the science that I was doing. I wanted to get into the lab early and get started before anybody else came in. I wanted to stay late and work in the lab and start/finish experiments. I wanted to go into the lab both days every weekend. Although she was a graduate student also, she preferred a more relaxing approach to her research, not willing to get up early or to give up her evening TV viewing time or to go into the lab on weekends. We came up with a compromise that I would go back in to the lab one or two evenings a week and a few hours on one day during the weekend. Nevertheless, I still felt that I had to justify this "extra" time that I was spending in the lab - with this experiment that HAD to be finished or this was the ONLY time I could get on the microscope. Sometimes, these justifications were completely true, sometimes partly true and sometimes I just wanted some quiet time in the lab at night to catch up on my notebook.
So I would give her these "I have to" justifications instead of just saying "I want to". Often, not satisfied with the justification that I gave her, she would press the issue and start asking if I really HAD to do that or why couldn't I do this or that experiment differently. My button of resentment at having to provide any reason for why I wanted to be in the lab would be pushed, and off we would go. I would end up being resentful and angry with her about not spending as much time as I wanted to in the lab, feeling that she was holding me back in my career. For her part, she would end up being resentful and angry with me, feeling that she was less important to me than my lab work.
Flash forward to the present. There are several annual meetings related to the student training aspect of my job that I should attend on a regular basis. One was back in October and another is in two weeks. These are different types of meetings, but related in topic. The government agencies which provide some of the funding for the programs that I manage have expectations regarding attendance by their grantees. So, in telling my wife about this upcoming conference, I said that the contact person at the government agency is "strongly urging" me to go. I was providing a justification along the lines of "I have to". Truth is, I don't really want to go to this, but come grant renewal time, I need to be able to say that I went to this conference. And I do want to renew the grant. And, who knows, maybe a good connection will come out of attending this conference.
In any case, she started in on the "strongly urging" statement, saying that this was the same justification I gave for the meeting last October, asking why I had to go to this one, and if I was just giving her a line of bull about why I was going to this upcoming conference. I chose not to respond with further explanations about the different meetings, the different program officers and how they communicate their expectations. Instead, as we were in the middle of getting dinner ready, I just continued on with my task, called my son to the table and we went forward with the evening. Without any response forthcoming on my part, she did not pursue this topic and we ate dinner in relative peace - as peaceful as dinner with a hyperactive Asperger's spectrum child can be.
In retrospect, I realized that she was not really interested in how these programs work and why they have expectations for their grantees to attend these different meetings. Rather, her tone, body language and subsequent non-follow up made it clear that she was only setting the bait, trying to get a rise out of me. I am glad that I didn't allow my button to be pushed.
This interaction has reinforced several behaviors that I have been trying to incorporate into my interactions with her. That I can choose to not allow my buttons be pushed. That I do not have to rise to the bait. That I do not have to provide her with a justification of everything that I do. That I am in control of my own life.
I re-learned something about my wife last night. About how she can, with intent, push my buttons. And I learned something about myself - about how not to allow her to push my buttons. And something deeper - about regaining control over my own life.
There is a particular dynamic to our relationship, relating to control over time management. This dynamic started way back in graduate school - when I absolutely fell in love with the science that I was doing. I wanted to get into the lab early and get started before anybody else came in. I wanted to stay late and work in the lab and start/finish experiments. I wanted to go into the lab both days every weekend. Although she was a graduate student also, she preferred a more relaxing approach to her research, not willing to get up early or to give up her evening TV viewing time or to go into the lab on weekends. We came up with a compromise that I would go back in to the lab one or two evenings a week and a few hours on one day during the weekend. Nevertheless, I still felt that I had to justify this "extra" time that I was spending in the lab - with this experiment that HAD to be finished or this was the ONLY time I could get on the microscope. Sometimes, these justifications were completely true, sometimes partly true and sometimes I just wanted some quiet time in the lab at night to catch up on my notebook.
So I would give her these "I have to" justifications instead of just saying "I want to". Often, not satisfied with the justification that I gave her, she would press the issue and start asking if I really HAD to do that or why couldn't I do this or that experiment differently. My button of resentment at having to provide any reason for why I wanted to be in the lab would be pushed, and off we would go. I would end up being resentful and angry with her about not spending as much time as I wanted to in the lab, feeling that she was holding me back in my career. For her part, she would end up being resentful and angry with me, feeling that she was less important to me than my lab work.
Flash forward to the present. There are several annual meetings related to the student training aspect of my job that I should attend on a regular basis. One was back in October and another is in two weeks. These are different types of meetings, but related in topic. The government agencies which provide some of the funding for the programs that I manage have expectations regarding attendance by their grantees. So, in telling my wife about this upcoming conference, I said that the contact person at the government agency is "strongly urging" me to go. I was providing a justification along the lines of "I have to". Truth is, I don't really want to go to this, but come grant renewal time, I need to be able to say that I went to this conference. And I do want to renew the grant. And, who knows, maybe a good connection will come out of attending this conference.
In any case, she started in on the "strongly urging" statement, saying that this was the same justification I gave for the meeting last October, asking why I had to go to this one, and if I was just giving her a line of bull about why I was going to this upcoming conference. I chose not to respond with further explanations about the different meetings, the different program officers and how they communicate their expectations. Instead, as we were in the middle of getting dinner ready, I just continued on with my task, called my son to the table and we went forward with the evening. Without any response forthcoming on my part, she did not pursue this topic and we ate dinner in relative peace - as peaceful as dinner with a hyperactive Asperger's spectrum child can be.
In retrospect, I realized that she was not really interested in how these programs work and why they have expectations for their grantees to attend these different meetings. Rather, her tone, body language and subsequent non-follow up made it clear that she was only setting the bait, trying to get a rise out of me. I am glad that I didn't allow my button to be pushed.
This interaction has reinforced several behaviors that I have been trying to incorporate into my interactions with her. That I can choose to not allow my buttons be pushed. That I do not have to rise to the bait. That I do not have to provide her with a justification of everything that I do. That I am in control of my own life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
