Was thinking about a comment that FTN posted on his blog about sex with his wife on the way in to the lab this morning. His comment basically was that “It's good, it's sweet, it's a connection, and sometimes it's great.” This prompted me to think about the different types of interactions that males and females, and in particular my wife and I, need to feel connected. Earlier this year, when my wife had her foot in cast and I came home to drive her around, she made the comment that this type of activity on my part - basically an act of service - made her feel like I cared about her. My mind translates that as a “connection”. Years ago, my wife stated that she needs to feel “connected” to want to have sex. On the other hand, part of the reason that I desire to have sex with her is for the feeling of being “connected”. So, one hypothesis is that acts of service on my part which make my wife feel “connected” to me should translate into increased sexual activity. BUT - it is my observation that acts of service do not result in increased sexual relations between us.
There are several hypotheses to explain this observation: One is that there is no relationship between how “connected” my wife feels and her interest in sexual activities with me. An alternative is that the level of connection that is needed to increase her interest in sexual relations with me requires a level of service activity that I am simply not capable of. A third possibility is that this feeling of connection is a necessary but not sufficient condition to spark her interest in sexual activity.
In other words, I simply have no clue.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
My husband told me several times through out our marriage that the amount of sex we had was directly correlated to how much he thought I loved him. I found this difficult to understand. During those moments when I felt "connected" or needed to feel connected, it seemed more like making love, at other times...a basic explanation would be...it was satisfying my own lusty need.
Over the years I have often pondered the question of why the amount of sex diminishes in so many marriages over time. During the early years of my children's lives, sex was above normal during their early infant years, became more sparse as they became toddlers, and as they became more independent it increased in amount again. There were times during the toddler years, when he would instigate lovemaking, and my automatic response would be "no". When I took a moment to think about why I was saying no, it was usually the timing. The children would be awake, and I wouldn't want to be interrupted, or it would be during late evening during a time I had set aside for "me" time. Once I became aware of what I was doing (that automatic "no"), I would let him know, and we would then have sex, sometimes scheduling it to increase the enjoyment. Although there were times he would 'punish' me for saying no in the first place, by telling me he was no longer interested. During our 28 years together sex between us had many fluctuations. The weird thing to me is, the last few years of the marriage, we had sex more often than ever before. Both of us trying to make up for the lack in all other parts of the relationship I guess.
Sex and marriage...so many factors at play, and we never seem to truly understand all of them.
Sunny - thank you for your thoughts. "Making love" is, indeed, the best way to describe sex between two people who are "connected". Early in our marriage, I would often use the term "make love" when talking to my wife about sex. My wife would rarely, if ever, use that term. So, while I would say "Would you like to make love?", her response would be "So you want to have sex?". Hmmm. For some reason, the contrast in our use of those terms bothers me more now than it did then. Now, if we mention the physical act of sex, we both refer to it as "sex", not "making love".
In both my personal life and online readings, I have seen both men and women who equate the quantity/quality of their sexual interactions with the overall health of their relationship. But not all. To me, it is one component - I value the other components that comprise a healthy relationship. But the absence of a sexual relationship, in particular the absence of "making love", is a large gaping hole. Which may yet, like a black hole, engulf the rest.
I dunno, I'm sure someone else has phrased it better: [in general] men use sex to feel "connected", while women need to feel connected to want da sex.
I only know of your wife by what I read here, SD, but perhaps she has spent so many years wielding or withholding sexual relations as a tool or a weapon that her own sexual impulses are completely buried now? I'm at a loss to advise you how to proceed...
In reference to this quote from you: "Years ago, my wife stated that she needs to feel “connected” to want to have sex. On the other hand, part of the reason that I desire to have sex with her is for the feeling of being “connected”."
A couple of weeks ago (today is 12/23/08) Oprah had Dr Berman, an expert sex therapist, on her show. She said this EXACT SAME THING is one of the most common issues couples have! You might want to check out this link:
http://www.drlauraberman.com/public/index.aspx
Post a Comment