I have had a busy three weeks but now, on a quiet Saturday morning, with my wife and son still fast asleep, I have some time alone. To think, read and drink coffee. Having been "nudged" by a fellow blogger, here are some thoughts and reflections.
I re-learned something about my wife last night. About how she can, with intent, push my buttons. And I learned something about myself - about how not to allow her to push my buttons. And something deeper - about regaining control over my own life.
There is a particular dynamic to our relationship, relating to control over time management. This dynamic started way back in graduate school - when I absolutely fell in love with the science that I was doing. I wanted to get into the lab early and get started before anybody else came in. I wanted to stay late and work in the lab and start/finish experiments. I wanted to go into the lab both days every weekend. Although she was a graduate student also, she preferred a more relaxing approach to her research, not willing to get up early or to give up her evening TV viewing time or to go into the lab on weekends. We came up with a compromise that I would go back in to the lab one or two evenings a week and a few hours on one day during the weekend. Nevertheless, I still felt that I had to justify this "extra" time that I was spending in the lab - with this experiment that HAD to be finished or this was the ONLY time I could get on the microscope. Sometimes, these justifications were completely true, sometimes partly true and sometimes I just wanted some quiet time in the lab at night to catch up on my notebook.
So I would give her these "I have to" justifications instead of just saying "I want to". Often, not satisfied with the justification that I gave her, she would press the issue and start asking if I really HAD to do that or why couldn't I do this or that experiment differently. My button of resentment at having to provide any reason for why I wanted to be in the lab would be pushed, and off we would go. I would end up being resentful and angry with her about not spending as much time as I wanted to in the lab, feeling that she was holding me back in my career. For her part, she would end up being resentful and angry with me, feeling that she was less important to me than my lab work.
Flash forward to the present. There are several annual meetings related to the student training aspect of my job that I should attend on a regular basis. One was back in October and another is in two weeks. These are different types of meetings, but related in topic. The government agencies which provide some of the funding for the programs that I manage have expectations regarding attendance by their grantees. So, in telling my wife about this upcoming conference, I said that the contact person at the government agency is "strongly urging" me to go. I was providing a justification along the lines of "I have to". Truth is, I don't really want to go to this, but come grant renewal time, I need to be able to say that I went to this conference. And I do want to renew the grant. And, who knows, maybe a good connection will come out of attending this conference.
In any case, she started in on the "strongly urging" statement, saying that this was the same justification I gave for the meeting last October, asking why I had to go to this one, and if I was just giving her a line of bull about why I was going to this upcoming conference. I chose not to respond with further explanations about the different meetings, the different program officers and how they communicate their expectations. Instead, as we were in the middle of getting dinner ready, I just continued on with my task, called my son to the table and we went forward with the evening. Without any response forthcoming on my part, she did not pursue this topic and we ate dinner in relative peace - as peaceful as dinner with a hyperactive Asperger's spectrum child can be.
In retrospect, I realized that she was not really interested in how these programs work and why they have expectations for their grantees to attend these different meetings. Rather, her tone, body language and subsequent non-follow up made it clear that she was only setting the bait, trying to get a rise out of me. I am glad that I didn't allow my button to be pushed.
This interaction has reinforced several behaviors that I have been trying to incorporate into my interactions with her. That I can choose to not allow my buttons be pushed. That I do not have to rise to the bait. That I do not have to provide her with a justification of everything that I do. That I am in control of my own life.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
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4 comments:
It never ceases to amaze me how much control of themselves people turn over to their spouses (and how much control some spouses demand). I always give a little cheer when I see someone realizing they don't have to surrender in every aspect of their activities. Yay SixDegrees! Answer to yourself first. (Have you read the book Against Love: A Polemic, by Laura Kipnis? I recommend it.)
This sounds so familiar, I spent what feels like a lifetime justifying my every action, until it got to the point in which I only did those things that were a have to situation, in turn I became resentful, which I hated, creating more ill feelings,a cycle developed which was detrimental to all. Learning to recognize my "hot button" issues, learning to recognize the manipulations, and responding in a calm rational way was so much better for me, although I gotta say, there were times when he hated my calm responses, and that gave me some small pleasure. Petty? Maybe, but...hey I am human!
Anais - Thanks for recommending Kipnis' book. I will take a look at it.
Sunny - One important notion that my last therapist helped me put into practice is emotional disengagement. Not ignoring my emotional response, but stepping
outside of my emotions - acknowledging them as interesting and valuable - but also not allowing my response to a particular situation be driven by an emotion-based defense of my self. This approach has allowed me to respond in a calm and rational manner and markedly reduced the heated arguments and disagreements that my wife and I have. I am able to allow my wife to have her emotional responses without becoming responsible for her emotions. Like you, there are times when my unwillingness to take the bait has made her angrier.
The intended consequence has, indeed, been a marked decrease in the frequency of her baiting-type behaviors.
An unintended consequence has been an overall decrease in the emotional connection that I feel towards her. So here is my pop psychology thought of the day. That an unhealthy connection was eliminated but has not been replaced by a healthy connection. It is that healthy connection that I am still looking for.
Sounds like your therapist taught you some valuable lessons.
My son has Autism as well. That is one of the main things me and my hubs argue over. I have researched everything I can get my hands on, he has not. I get resentful of this sometimes!
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